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B4
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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B4 |
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PartiStarks Junior Member
since 1999-07-31
Posts 38Brooklyn, NY |
I've traveled this route B4 and it was lonely and dark Once sin moistened my lips, deceit flowed through both canals and pain through my vains, I was independently standing in obscurity Now, I'm abandoned in a foreign place which isn't so foreign, because I've walked this path B4 I've traveled through the shadow of darkness and overcame it. I fought evil with an iron sword and was victorious Just to........... Relinquish my crown, for the second time and again surrender to the dimness of the night I stand in solitary with poison as my confidant Haunted by my past, which is now my present, I blame myself for my future, I am the one who chose this course, I am the one who embraced this toxin and invited it to walk with me hand in hand down the aisle of blackness Holding everyone else inculpable, I will grieve in isolation, being fully responsible for the route that I've taken B4 (This is one of the first freeverse poems that I have written, so please let me know what you think I am trying to express and how you like it. I am also open for suggestions) ------------------ [This message has been edited by PartiStarks (edited 08-10-99).] [This message has been edited by PartiStarks (edited 08-10-99).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 PartiStarks - All Rights Reserved | |||
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Interesting, sounds like drug addiction.... I liked the flow and feel, would like to see the long paragraphs broken at the punctuation - more of a poetic style I guess - for me it makes it easier to feel the flow and feeling. ------------------ Dum spiro, spero JP |
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PartiStarks Junior Member
since 1999-07-31
Posts 38Brooklyn, NY |
JP, thanks for the suggestion. |
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roxy8365 Junior Member
since 1999-07-07
Posts 27e.falmouth MA usa |
wow! I like this poem a lot! It kinda describes most of the situations I have been through in the past. I thought it was very good, especially for your first free verse. You should definetaly keep writing!Just out of curiosity, is this poem written about a situation in your life? P.S. I'm 15, but I wrote the poem a couple years ago(my so-ccalled best friends) |
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PartiStarks Junior Member
since 1999-07-31
Posts 38Brooklyn, NY |
No, I have never experienced this. This poem is about an individual who has abused drugs and alcohol, for the second time and as result, he/she is left lonely. I'm glad you enjoyed it. |
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PartiStarks Junior Member
since 1999-07-31
Posts 38Brooklyn, NY |
I would like to repost this for more comments. |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Are you opposed to a rework of this? If you want to repost... go back and see what you've done and see if you can improve it. A good piece, but one with potential to be so much more powerful. ------------------ Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP |
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