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PrincessDoo
Junior Member

since 1999-07-30

Posts 41
Cerritos, CA, USA

0 posted 1999-08-08 12:03 PM

Sorry baby, i lost the game
I tried to hide it deep inside
and supress the shame
so here comes the end of the ride
Sorry baby, i lost the game
too many negative points built up
and i couldnt take the blame
now then end..pills and a cup

Sorry baby, i lost the game
i dont know if i can change
from the #1 spot on Loser Hall of Fame
my life will end with a silent bang

Sorry baby, i lost the game
how can i trust this mind of mine?
wild mind i'm afraid to tame
death contract i gotta sign

Sorry baby, i lost the game
no score, no strength, no where to run
no way no how i'll ever be the same
no sun no fun, cuz i'm just done

I'm sorry baby, but I lost the game

------------------
823

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

1 posted 1999-08-08 11:58 AM

Actually, this piece has the power to be an excellent piece of writing. The message and the feelings expressed are very strong.
However, the amounts of syllables used in each sentence are all wrong, which leads to choppiness and lack of any flow. ALso, I don't know what "now then end" means and change/bang are really not acceptable rhymes.
The biggest thing, though, remains the length of the lines. The syllables in the first stanza are 8-8-5-8-8-9-7-7. Actually, this is very close. Either change the 3rd line to 9 syllables or the 6th line to 5 syllables and you have a good balance. Then carry that count throughout the other stanzas. The poem is good. I look forward to seeing it after you have polished it up a bit.

JP
Senior Member

since 1999-05-25

Posts 1343
Loomis, CA

2 posted 1999-08-08 01:11 PM

This really has the feel of a song... I was actually singing it rather than reading it.

Balladeer is right... it has power.

------------------
Dum spiro, spero
JP

Johnny
New Member

since 1999-08-08

Posts 6
Liberty, MO USA

3 posted 1999-08-08 10:00 PM

I personally think that this is a great work. The raw, hard feelings expressed in this are great. I felt sad reading it. Princess - you did a great job. Your writing was so vivid that I could see the poem come to life on the screen and in my mind. BRAVO!

Johnny
New Member

since 1999-08-08

Posts 6
Liberty, MO USA

4 posted 1999-08-08 10:05 PM

I personally think that this is a great work. The raw, hard feelings expressed in this are great. I felt sad reading it. Princess - you did a great job. Your writing was so vivid that I could see the poem come to life on the screen and in my mind. BRAVO!

Johnny
New Member

since 1999-08-08

Posts 6
Liberty, MO USA

5 posted 1999-08-08 10:05 PM

I personally think that this is a great work. The raw, hard feelings expressed in this are great. I felt sad reading it. Princess - you did a great job. Your writing was so vivid that I could see the poem come to life on the screen and in my mind. BRAVO!

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