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Critical Analysis #1
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Anzac Day Carey's Bay
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Anzac Day Carey's Bay |
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carolyn smale Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 20australia |
Plants, vicious as wasps, spawn in your backyard. Poisoned and whittled by the lead paint running off the house. A legion of rainy days. Your modified goats, further foul progeny of this quarter acre, eating withered corncobs and hard, cutting plants. Your misbegotten pots sink in heaps, their shelly eyes picked off by magpies several years ago. The harbour’s cold and faraway today, like a neutral assassin. We sit dumbly on green steps sipping tea and planting little red felt poppies in the plumby ground. |
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| © Copyright 2000 carolyn smale - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello carolyn, "Plants, vicious as wasps, spawn in your backyard. Poisoned and whittled by the lead paint running off the house. A legion of rainy days." I liked the flow of this stanza, actually the whole poem had a pretty smooth flow. The only suggestion I have for this stanza is "Plants, vicious as wasps" didn't seem like a very good description....when I think of a wasp being nasty I picture it flying around, whereas I've yet to have seen a flying plant  Consider using a description of an animate animal being rooted instead of a root being an animate animal. Just an idea."Your modified goats, further foul progeny of this quarter acre, eating withered corncobs and hard, cutting plants." Thought your description of the goats could've used a bit more depth, "modified" didn't really tell me much...did they have an extra leg or were they 100 ft. tall? "Your misbegotten pots sink in heaps, their shelly eyes picked off by magpies several years ago." I don't know what "pots" are so I'll refrain from commenting on this part until I get the "scoop". "The harbour’s cold and faraway today, like a neutral assassin." Really liked this line, portrayed the setting well. One suggestion though, and it's more of a "6 in one hand-half dozen in the other" type of thing, consider changing "neutral" to something more forbodding such as "impartial", if ya use that word it kinda implies more that this place is one that will harm again but doesn't really care who it harms. "We sit dumbly on green steps sipping tea and planting little red felt poppies in the plumby ground." "dumbly" seemed out of place, other than that I thought it was a good solid ending that made me wonder about the red poppies...was it for Rememberance Day or just because there is a lack of nice vegetation. Also I really liked "plumby fround", nice description of lumpy terrain. I think ya have a great idea for this poem, but I think perhaps the first couple of stanzas need a little more depth. Thanks for the read and take care, Trevor |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Carolyn: Sorry it's taken so long for me to get to this. What do you say we jump right in. "Plants, vicious as wasps, spawn in your backyard. Poisoned and whittled by the lead paint running off the house. A legion of rainy days." This is a good opener. By "vicious" as wasps I gathered that you were comparing some property of the plants to the wasp's sting. I read you profile and see that you are from Australia. Are there really plants like this down under that could be said to be "as vicious as wasps"? The worst we have in PA (Pennsylvania, USA) is poison ivy and I would only be able to describe the worst of poison ivy as being a "vicious" as mosquitoes. I'm not being a smart-aleck, by the way, I really am interested. I also can't shake the sense there was more to your use of the word "legion" than its definition. Was there any allusions here to the Biblical Legion? "Your modified goats, further foul progeny of this quarter acre, eating withered corncobs and hard, cutting plants." "Modified" didn't give me the same problems it gave Trevor, although I like the idea of a 100 foot tall goat. Sounds like a "Creature Double Feature" movie I saw when I was a kid (no pun intended in the goat ... kid ... get it ... heh-heh). "Attack of the 100 ft. Goat" or something like that. Okay, back to you poem. "Modified" in PA veternary (sp?) practice is the euphemism given to soften "youch" that words like "spay" and "neuter" connote. If I am wrong and nobody else can figure out what you mean by "modified", then you may want to consider changing the word. My dictionary only defines "modify" as being subjected to a "minor change". This didn't help me much. Your use of alliteration in "Further foul..." was effective. The F's almost had me spitting out the word "progeny" and, I think, this was the desired effect. Goats, by the way, were a good choice of animal. What else could live under these conditions? "Your misbegotten pots sink in heaps, their shelly eyes picked off by magpies several years ago." I'm afraid I don't know what "shelly" eyes are or look like. Merriam-Webster was no help to me here. And what kind of pots have eyes? "The harbour’s cold and faraway today, like a neutral assassin." I think you should build on this thought a little more. Did you really mean a "neutral assassin"? Neutrality seems to me to describe a non-commitment to one side or another. Do you mean "neutral" of feeling or "neutral" of position? If you mean "feeling", then you may want to use a more descriptive word. If you mean neutral in "position", then you may want to ellaborate on the idea a little. Also, why is the harbor like an assassin? "We sit dumbly on green steps sipping tea and planting little red felt poppies in the plumby ground." Okay, let me see if I've got this straight. You're in an old house surrounded by vicious plants and neutered goats and it won't stop raining. Your "pots" are sinking in the muddy ground and the harbor, while indifferent to you now, still has the potentional to threaten your well being. BUT THIS IS HOME!!! So what if it is such a god-forsaken place ... you sit on the steps and drink tea ... and plant poppies. I must say this was an interesting turn at the end and I think it allowed the meaning you wanted to communicate to escape your vivid descriptions of all that was less than perfect in your surroundings. Thanks for posting this, Carolyn. Inspite of the jarring ending (which I think makes your poem more memorible, by the way) I thought that this poem was well done. Later. Jim |
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carolyn smale Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 20australia |
thank you for reading and your comments. first, jim, you said you read a profile. where? how? have you been at blueline? this poem is actually about a place in new zealand (I lived in nz until i was 26 - 1993). it was a real place, a real day. Anzac Day is a day we all have a holiday. supposed to be remembering soldiers from the wars. red felt poppies are sold to raise money for the veterans. they commemorate the soldiers left buried in the poppy fields of europe. wasps - i never intended for it to be a literal image trevor! i thought about your suggestion. vicious as a tethered tiger? hmm. jim, we have boxthorns, gorse and god knows what else which seem to attack and sting as you pass them. the goats were, again, not overly literal. i was sitting thinking about this awful place and how everything there seemed to have been "touched" by this environment. the goats were mean and lame and "modified" by the harshness. also the old house was sending lead into the ground. the pots are just pots. they were all over the garden. the owner of the house was a potter. some were bursting with old plants. many had been decorated in the past with shells from the beach down the hill. magpies pick away at shiny things and eyes. the harbour, often a friend, on that day seemed dangerous, but also completely uncaring. i meant dumbly as in not talking. the poem was about the nz i could see on this day we were to be remebering the great achievements and sacrifices of war. a lot of the images were war related, as well as a description of the place. planting the poppies degrades them. also a felt poppy could never grow in a garden like this, or anywhere. all a bit of a wank, sorry. i wasn't in a very good mood when i wrote it way back in 1986. thanks, carolyn. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Carolyn: Your profile icon is next to your name. It is the icon with a finger pointing to some lines next to "posted 02-10-2000 05:59 AM". It only says you are a doctor in Australia. I haven't been cyberstalking you or anything, lol. Thanks for the explanation of your poem. Jim |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Strong imagery, strong poem. I got the shelly eyes of the pots before your explanation but how do I prove it now?  Thought modified goats meant what Jim thought it meant. All in all, well done -- the syle matches what you want to portray here but maybe it needs a little more tension from the speaker? Maybe not. Just a suggestion, Brad |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, For some god forsaken reason, each time I read "pots", I kept thinking of kitchen pots.....derrruhhhghghgg????......Moron I be most alwaysometimes.....I think it's time I quit working in restaurants Thanks for the clarification on how awful my interpreting poetry abilities are Also thanks for the "dumbly" explanation.....but still I don't find it fits....sorry, one suggestion I have after you mentioned "mute" in your response was a change in the line...and remember this is only a suggestion, I'd never try and tell anyone how they should write, but I thought it might be a more "interesting" line (at least I'd enjoy it more ) as, "We mute on green steps"....changing "mute" to a verb. I dunno just thought I'd throw the idea in.Anyways, thanks and take care, Trevor |
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carolyn smale Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 20australia |
thank you all for commenting jim, for explaining how to find profiles. i'm a bit new to this internet stuff. paranoid!? brad, of course i believe you! i want to. i'll have to think about modified! trevor, every interpretation is valid, if it's considered. i tend to believe that a poem can have as many meanings as readers. thanks, carolyn. |
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