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Critical Analysis #1
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Untitled (would appriciate your critisism, need help!)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Untitled (would appriciate your critisism, need help!) |
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hoppy Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271 |
Darkened night I came cryin' wanting you to save me i found you were lyin' you can't save me Life in your hands what shall it be shall i bow my head and lose my humanity forked tounge of pride pokes out their eyes blind leading the blind Encaged is show despise for the world that wouldn't let me be it stole my life and now my life Life in your hands what shall it be shall i bow my head and lose my humanity they stole our innocence instealed within us pride a neverending circulation of man locked up inside dealing with the passions all they teach is lust the norms have torn us down our minds turned to rust and i see your life in their hands you think you're free you continue the search but only He holds the key aimlessly wondering in a sea of hate worrying about your life only seeing what you ain't Life in your hands what shall it be will you hold your head high and see what noone else can see NEW POETRY FORUM NOW OPEN "If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity." SUBMIT YOUR POETRY HERE, AWSOME PAGE. NEW POETRY FORUM ADDED Don't look... you might see. Don't listen... you might hear. Don't think... you might learn. Don't walk... you might stumble. Don't run... you might fall. Don't make a decision... you might be wrong. Don't live...you might die. THE PAGE OF PURE POETIC EXPRESSION!! |
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carolyn smale Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 20australia |
what do you need help with? a title? seemed to be a poem about whether to choose God or man? "Darkened night I came cryin' wanting you to save me i found you were lyin'" i thing i need crying and lying unless you're going to sing it? "you can't save me Life in your hands what shall it be shall i bow my head and lose my humanity" life in your hands - too often used lose my humanity - too much! "forked tongue of pride pokes out their eyes blind leading the blind" this verse is just one big cliche "Encaged is show despise" i have no idea what the above line is "for the world that wouldn't let me be it stole my life and now my life Life in your hands what shall it be shall i bow my head and lose my humanity" thought i was losing my mind but you did repeat the humanity thing! is this a song? did you mean for 3 "life" "they stole our innocence instealed within us pride" another cliche, do you mean instilled? stick to natural speech "within us" too antique. "a neverending circulation of man locked up inside dealing with the passions all they teach is lust the norms have torn us down our minds turned to rust and i see your life in their hands you think you're free you continue the search but only He holds the key aimlessly wondering in a sea of hate worrying about your life only seeing what you ain't" sea of hate - oh dear! i really strongly advise you to totally rework this poem or else give it the big heave ho. thanks, carolyn |
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