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Aquifer .... Lucifer
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Aquifer .... Lucifer |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Deer beneath the hemlock sip then sleep Sip the hemlock dear then sleep beneath |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i don't know if i have enough time to adequately critique this epic, p. well, maybe. you seem to have taken some homophones and a scary sentence and made it into something that sort of wouldn't make any sense if not for the other line. i like it, dark. i had a question for you though: who was that going on about not offering enough detailed critiques? i think he may have replied to my poem with a couple words...if it was trevor, anyways should i be insulted? or is it a joke? or was it not trevor? anyways, your poem, or whatever these two lovely lines are is great. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Philip: This is very interesting. What brought this manner of inspiration on? I suspect it "hit you when you were not looking". Very good and very interesting. The only stick in the spokes is that the first line must be read as an imperative (telling the deer to drink) in order to be grammatically correct when I think it reads more naturally as a narrative (describing the deer drinking). I liked this.  Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
poertree: this is the first time i've ever seen a poem like this and i think you did it amazingly well... this required more thought and time than i probably ever gave any of my poems... sincerely, jerome the mysterious priest A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Philip, This is a nice use of the words. Almost what one might call an enlightened pun. Simple but to the point. I'm not sure the final "beneath" really means anything without further explanation or elaboration, but it doesn't bother me at all as it is. And, of course to add more would destroy the poem. (I added that last part mostly so Trevor would not get after me.) And Jim, to me it reads grammatically correct. Add some punctuation, like periods at the end of each line, and I think it is alright. But since Philip didn't punctuate anything, it seems to be just fine as it is. Thanks. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Pete I have to run right now but you raised the very point i wrote to someone else about this morning so if you don't mind i'll just copy and paste and be back later :"....and at first i couldn't see how to work the word "beneath" into the second line .. then the phrase "to lay beneath the sod" in respect of burying a body came to mind, together with the idea of going to hell or Hades beneath after death .. so off I went into a reverie about an abused wife poisoning an evil husband and sending him to hell .. hence the Lucifer. I needed to have the deer sipping something (at first a water trough) then the idea of the assonance with Lucifer and the water bearing strata." |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Sorry Philip, I don't think I said quite what I meant. I'm not a fast typist by any means, but I seem to type faster than I think.  Instead of saying beneath doesn't mean anything without elaboration, I meant to say it is possibly incomplete or ambiguous. That is not necessarily a bad thing as it chalenges the reader a bit. I can, and I suspect most readers can, easily fill in the blank or interpret there without any trouble. I still stand by the rest of my comment that it doesn't need anything else. I like the compactness. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Philip, This two line piece fascinated me, and also challenged me to give it a try. This is nowhere as colorful as yours, but here it is: A bear detects a signal in a slight human scent, A human detects a bare slight sent in a signal. As I'm really not familiar with this (or is it your own creation?), so I'm not sure if the words are in the right places or if the rules were followed. It did fascinate me. Kris< !signature--> If I can ease one life the aching, Or cool one pain,... I shall not live in vain - Emily Dickinson [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 02-10-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Yes Rox very dark .. and very short .....lol Jim " What brought this manner of inspiration on? I suspect it "hit you when you were not looking"." hey you are so right what brought on that sudden burst of sensitivity Jim ..lol Hummphhh ... I can't see why it can't read as a narrative .. mind you i never was great on grammar Not a lot Jerome .. not a lot .....  but thanksPete as always you are so courteous and kind and i apologise for being hasty with my "beneath" explanation Ahhhhhhh yes Kris This is the what is know as a "couplet-uno" ... lol Actually I just made it up on the spur of the moment based upon something a friend said. Yours is pretty clever as well although it breaks one fundamental rule .. that the lines must have identical length ... there are other rules as well but you kept within those ..lol Thanks to you as well Philip |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hmmm. OK I like! Now - I am curious. WHAT is the deer in the first line sipping? Is it water - like a lake - but does hemlock actually grow that high to fit a deer under it? Maybe it's just a little deer...wasn't sure...lol. I do indeed like the last 'beneath' - quite chilling - and definitely evokes the image of a grave. Jim - the thing with poetry (or Poetree? hehe), I feel, is that grammar is not a necessity and I read the first line instantly as descriptive - though I can see how you read the imperative. Description would technically need plurals on sip and sleep. I am intrigued by this P - truly intrigued and you have executed a freezing job indeed. 'Writing sharpens life; life enriches writing' Sylvia Plath |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
AHHHH!!! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Sometimes it just takes a few bruskis to get the old mind working the way it should. The plural of "deer" is "deer". If you are talking about more than one then "sip" and "sleep" are fine. For example. The one deer sips and sleeps vs. All the deer sip and sleep No grammar problems as long as there are more than one deer. Two deer are "deer" unless you are in the southern US and then you would say: "Hey ... look at dem dare deers." lol  Sorry for my thick-skull-edness my pedantic friend. Real life has been a bit of a pooper lately. lol Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
OI!!! PHILLIP!!! RESPONSES PLEASE - we have a grammar war going... Jim - I just automatically read it as one deer - to match the one 'dear' in the bottom line - that is my pedantic mind for you!! So - P, what did you intend it to be? (And if it were more than one then you WOULD have problems putting them all under that hemlock!!!!)  K |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Kamla my deer you were "automatically" reading "wrongly" ... multiple deers are envisaged .. as if I would admit anything else and have to concede grammatical incompetence ..lol as for impossibilities .. I am reliably informed that in some idyllic far off place the hemlock and the deer (plural) really do exist - and I believe her .. P Oh and your other query .. that was the reason for the title "Aquifer" ... "water bearing strata" .. I had a spring in mind.. [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 02-17-2000).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Well now, let me think... Hmmm I sure hope those deer don't accidently drink any hemlock that may have accidently fallen into the spring...no more deer... Hehe Me? Wrong? Not likely! Poetry is subjective so I still maintain that there is ONE deer... Jim? Got anything to add? 'Writing sharpens life; life enriches writing' Sylvia Plath |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kamla: You had to ask, didn't you? I think Philip meant there to be more than one deer but only one dear and this particular hemlock happens to be unusually large. He just had to omit "unusually large hemlock" because then he would have had to change his poem to read: Deer beneath the unusually large hemlock sip then sleep Sip the hemlock unusually large dear then sleep beneath You see Kamla? Doesn't work as well. There, Philip, I said what you wanted me to say ... now where is my cash? |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
I sure got late to this, but I find it stunningly different. I had no trouble with grammar or anything else -- it got me right between the eyes right off. Really special! I'm impressed by Warmhrt's quick riposte too -- we shouldn't fault *her* that "scent" and "sent" don't have the same number of letters. By the way, you could stuff in "lightly" before both "sip" in the first line and "sleep" in the second, thus bringing more light to add to the water. Aren't the gods of poetry kind once in a while, Philip. Wishing you many more such. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Hi Ted Don't care how "late" you are if you are going to be so kind and helpful.. thanks I quite like "lightly" especially in the first line .. I am not quite sure how it works in the second if i stay true to the thought in mind when i wrote it. Would a wife in the process of murdering her husband wish him to "sleep lightly" ?? just a thought ... Thanks again P |
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