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Critical Analysis #1
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Drucilla
Junior Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 14


0 posted 2000-02-07 11:54 PM



there are these games
i used to play,
never believing
they'd come back one day

i played for sport
it really wasn't fair
i made them believe
that i could care

i only wanted
those who were not mine
and i took them away
one at a time

i had this list
my list of goals
i stole their their hearts
and their souls

i took them away
from safety and love
then dumped them on their faces
with the eyes of a dove

i was not evil
you must believe
they just all had
what i could not achieve

they were all challenges
their women dignified,
but even with their pain
my own would not subside

i believed that the pain
i made them feel
would some how let their love lose
for me to steal

but one day i realized
that i was wrong
so i stopped and i prayed
that all would be gone

i prayed for forgiveness
but was not answered as expected
then one day i found
my prayers had been rejected

i thought i was safe
from the games i would play
until one day
i learned now i was the prey

he played my game
and he played it well
now i know, for i feel
the pain they befell

he made me believe
that i was worth his love
then he left me
he left his "perfect dove"

after the pain
which never really went away
i thought i had a second chance
that is until today

this new player
opened my heart
awoke my feelings
then ripped them apart

i know it's what i deserve
this penitence i must pay
but now all that i wish
is to die this day


 

© Copyright 2000 Drucilla - All Rights Reserved
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
1 posted 2000-02-09 01:31 AM


So, you're a player? Actually, I like the beginning, it's a little bit different from the usual trend in writing 'love lost' poetry but the end brings it back around to the same  sort victimization thing that one reads all the time. Now, can you do this? Of course, you can, but I would argue that you need to concentrate on one aspect of this part of your life. You're giving us generalities instead of specific details (real or created, it doesn't matter) that can turn this poem into something special. One idea would be to show contrasting images of your life as a player and your life being played in alternating stanzas.  The ending could still be the moral you want to project but maybe you can show that moral without having to tell us.  Again, good idea but you need a little more meat for the reader to sink his teeth into.

Whatever you do, don't stop writing. I really would like to read a rewrite or even another poem about this situation.

the ogre,
Brad

Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
2 posted 2000-02-09 04:36 PM


This one made me think, very moving!
Ophelia
Junior Member
since 2000-01-12
Posts 19

3 posted 2000-02-09 08:20 PM


I like the thought and feeling that went into this one. I agree with 'the orge' up there that maybe putting the format into alternating stanzas between past and present would give it a different flare. I love the simple format and the melody that plays between each line. Great read,

Ophelia

Drucilla
Junior Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 14

4 posted 2000-02-09 09:26 PM


Brad, Trevor, and Ophelia,

Thank you so much for the commentary.  I have never shared my writing, so I was very nervous about letting it be published.

Also, thank you very much for the ideas, especially Brad.  They made me think and now new little bubbles are forming in my head.  I look forward to sharing them.

Drucilla


 

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