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The Game
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Game |
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Drucilla Junior Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 14 |
there are these games i used to play, never believing they'd come back one day i played for sport it really wasn't fair i made them believe that i could care i only wanted those who were not mine and i took them away one at a time i had this list my list of goals i stole their their hearts and their souls i took them away from safety and love then dumped them on their faces with the eyes of a dove i was not evil you must believe they just all had what i could not achieve they were all challenges their women dignified, but even with their pain my own would not subside i believed that the pain i made them feel would some how let their love lose for me to steal but one day i realized that i was wrong so i stopped and i prayed that all would be gone i prayed for forgiveness but was not answered as expected then one day i found my prayers had been rejected i thought i was safe from the games i would play until one day i learned now i was the prey he played my game and he played it well now i know, for i feel the pain they befell he made me believe that i was worth his love then he left me he left his "perfect dove" after the pain which never really went away i thought i had a second chance that is until today this new player opened my heart awoke my feelings then ripped them apart i know it's what i deserve this penitence i must pay but now all that i wish is to die this day |
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| © Copyright 2000 Drucilla - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
So, you're a player? Actually, I like the beginning, it's a little bit different from the usual trend in writing 'love lost' poetry but the end brings it back around to the same sort victimization thing that one reads all the time. Now, can you do this? Of course, you can, but I would argue that you need to concentrate on one aspect of this part of your life. You're giving us generalities instead of specific details (real or created, it doesn't matter) that can turn this poem into something special. One idea would be to show contrasting images of your life as a player and your life being played in alternating stanzas. The ending could still be the moral you want to project but maybe you can show that moral without having to tell us. Again, good idea but you need a little more meat for the reader to sink his teeth into. Whatever you do, don't stop writing. I really would like to read a rewrite or even another poem about this situation. the ogre, Brad |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
This one made me think, very moving! |
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Ophelia Junior Member
since 2000-01-12
Posts 19 |
I like the thought and feeling that went into this one. I agree with 'the orge' up there that maybe putting the format into alternating stanzas between past and present would give it a different flare. I love the simple format and the melody that plays between each line. Great read, Ophelia |
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Drucilla Junior Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 14 |
Brad, Trevor, and Ophelia, Thank you so much for the commentary. I have never shared my writing, so I was very nervous about letting it be published. Also, thank you very much for the ideas, especially Brad. They made me think and now new little bubbles are forming in my head. I look forward to sharing them. Drucilla |
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