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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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New Poem |
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daleedmands New Member
since 2000-02-05
Posts 7 |
Night Out The moon that rises in the east, Hanging over the dormitory roof Like a lost balloon, wears dusk For evening dress. October leaves would have it Hidden, but November wind Has stripped the trees, Revealing this full-faced Orb amidst a dissolving sky. Or not dissolving, but absorbing, Enveloping, as when hours Later after a long day, You appear before me, Clean and freshly polished, All in black; your face Filling the night With a promising glow. © by Dale Edmands |
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| © Copyright 2000 daleedmands - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
dale-- this is a beautiful piece! very well done. your imagery is stunning, and dissolving/absorbing/enveloping was great. the two 'halves' of the piece work beautifully together, each complementing the other perfectly; i thought the lines from "as when hours / Later after a long day" to the end were simply great, but that effect is achieved only by the preceding lines; it was set up perfectly. i think 'balloon' was perhaps a slight misstep; implicitly comparing someone's head or face to a balloon doesn't conjure up the most flattering image, lol, but a 'lost balloon' is quite another thing, fragile, and tender; it works for me. very nice work! jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 02-05-2000).] |
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daleedmands New Member
since 2000-02-05
Posts 7 |
jenni: Thanks for your kind words and wonderful critique! Sorry you don't post your email, but I understand. Do you have work here I might read? Would like to return the favor! Many thanks, again! Yours in verse, Dale |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
I really enjoyed this poem. I like how the language flows into itself, and creates a diaolgue i.e. "Orb amidst a dissolving sky/Or not dissolving, but absorbing, enveloping". I really like poems that have this kind of device of dialogue (if you can call it that), where you can read the process of the description happening, and not simply the description. I think its great. And the end of the poem provides a good contrast "glowing" to the otherwise, dark night. Well done, welcome to passions. quote: |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello and welcome to CA, First off, consider putting your title in where you have "New Poem" cause a large portion of the poems posted here are new....or at least new to all the readers. "The moon that rises in the east, Hanging over the dormitory roof Like a lost balloon, wears dusk For evening dress." Lovely first few lines....especially "like a lost balloon", great metaphor, however I too had trouble with the "dressing up" personification of the moon. "October leaves would have it Hidden, but November wind Has stripped the trees, Revealing this full-faced" Liked the first three lines but I agree with Jenni about the "full-faced" part. "Orb amidst a dissolving sky. Or not dissolving, but absorbing," Personally I didn't like the dissolving...not dissolving part, maybe I'm just a fool for simplicity (or maybe just a simple fool  ) but I thought you could have said all that with something like, "Orb admist an absorbing sky." Just my opinion though."Enveloping, as when hours Later after a long day, You appear before me, Clean and freshly polished, All in black; your face Filling the night With a promising glow." Great lead into an excellent ending...I've always been a sucker for a good ending. Also good word use with "promising glow". Anyways, welcome again to CA, hope you'll enjoy this place as much as I do, thank you for sharing your poem and I look forward to reading more of your work, take care, Trevor |
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daleedmands New Member
since 2000-02-05
Posts 7 |
Thanks,Trevor, for the nice welcome, and your critique. Good criticism never hurt anyone, and I appreciate your taking the time and effort. I'll mosey on over to where you 'hide' your work; maybe I can return the favor Yours in verse, Dale |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
Wonderful, very smooth. Don't change a thing; as my worries were desolved by it, as I absorbed its full faced light. Welcome! Cap. Cap. Carg. |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
hi there, like to say i liked your poem,though why is the moon compared to a lost balloon,may i ask?and i didn't get the part about "wearing the dusk for evening dress"---incidentally,moi am new to poetry and i still have a looong way to go,so would u like to explain to me about these two lines? liked the description about how one would have been able to see the moon in Oct rather than Nov.i thought that was a clever way of using this natural process of leaves dropping to enhance your poem... above all, i liked the way you associate the joy of seeing this "glowing person" with the pleasure of observing the moon...l too will like to meet my loved one somewhere on a brightly-lit night when we can admire the beautiful sight above us together.... |
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