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lies (PLEASE respond!!!)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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lies (PLEASE respond!!!) |
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lily Junior Member
since 1999-12-27
Posts 16united states |
molasses dripping into my ears, sugarcoating my brain slowly enveloping my thoughts in a syrupy bittersweet embrace promoting itself into every crevice jostling through piles and piles of infant ideas insidiously curtaining dusty cobwebs long untouched masking the eyesores with glittering sweet richness |
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| © Copyright 2000 lily davison - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello lily, As far as your title goes, it might be more suitable without the begging part, cause what you don't see beside everyone's poem title is the invisible lettering that reads "PLEASE RESPOND", we all like to have our work read and commented on (especially if the comments are honest and mildly indepth). Perhaps if you want more people to scratch your back you maybe could scratch a few backs first? Just an idea, but ya never know until ya try it? Okay, now on with the critique. "molasses dripping into my ears, sugarcoating my brain" Really great opening line, grabs the reader's attention and produces, for me at least, an image never thought of. Sugercoating seemed to light to go with the thickness of molasses, perhaps consider going with a stronger word while keeping the theme intact. "slowly enveloping my thoughts in a syrupy bittersweet embrace" Even though I've heard "bittersweet embrace" about a thousand times to many, it still didn't stand out too cliched, actually seemed to fit in nicely, though you may want to see if you can think of a more original descrip. "promoting itself into every crevice jostling through piles and piles of infant ideas" Liked this part and the use of "promoting". Only suggestion I have is consider changing one of the "piles" to something else. "insidiously curtaining dusty cobwebs long untouched" Consider changing "insidiously" to "insidious", otherwise I found it read really clunky. I liked "long untouched" because not only did it describe a cobweb (long) but it also described a time frame (long). "masking the eyesores with glittering sweet richness" OK ending though I thought "eyesores" and "glittering" didn't help paint the picture I suspect you were trying for (my interpretation of the last line is that the "molasses" [new experience] was thick and sweet enough to cover up painful memories). Thought you could have selected more vivid wording. Just an opinion. Anyways, a pretty good showing, really like the originality of the first description, thanks for the read and take care, Trevor [This message has been edited by Trevor (edited 02-05-2000).] |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
lily-- i was just coming back to your piece, and now i see trevor said most of what i was going to say. one thing i'd add, though, is i thought 'jostling' seemed out of place here; it's too active or energetic a word in my opinion, and doesn't quite fit with the oozing molasses dripping, slowly enveloping. jostling, to me, is something that happens in morning rush hour on the street and on the subway, when everyone's rushing to work. anyway, i really liked this piece, it was quite unique and creative. thanks for a good read! jenni |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
I liked it. It reminds me of when I was young and each new love made the others seem somehow childish, while still being nostalgic. I look forward to your next one. Good job, keep on truckin! An' I loves the ships more every day Though I never was one to roam. Oh! the ships is comfortin' sights to see, An' they means a lot when they says to me-- "Always somebody goin away, Somebody gettin home." John Joy Bell Cap. Cap. Carg. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello again, Thought I'd just add in that I agree with Jenni about the "jostling" part...didn't really fit with the ooze of molasses. |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
lily: you use a lot of very intriguing imagery here... i like it  i really like the crucial role the title plays in relation to the subject of the poem (always been a way to get on my good side *heh*)...sincerely, jerome the boy with no brain A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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Shelley Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 263Ohio, USA |
I really enjoyed reading this. I do agree that the word "jostling" is to fast paced to go with the description of slow dripping molasses. Other then that I liked it. Your opening line grabbed my attention. ~Shelley |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
I guess I get to be the dumb one here. Everyone else has said pleasant things I can happily agree with about the strength of your images and choice of words, but not one has explained to me(except Captaincargo, a bit) what the poem is *about*, and I couldn't get it from the poem itself. But it couldn't be as opaque to them as to me, or they would have brought it up. "Lies"? It must be a particular kind of lie, because this is certainly not the picture of an average reaction to average lies. What can be the situation of the speaker who has been brought to such a mental state (and being aware of it, why doesn't (she) shake it off, drain it out?) I liked the music, but was baffled by the content. Sorry, you're always going to have to deal with us slow ones that "don't get it." |
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lily Junior Member
since 1999-12-27
Posts 16united states |
ted: before your reply, i believed that the significance of the title was reasonably evident, but i can understand how some may find it a bit sketchy. lies are told to appease or soften the impact of a fall. they serve no purpose but to make things seem sweeter or better than they truly are(hence the "sugarcoating" and "masking the eyesores with glittering sweet richness".) lies alter your way of thinking (hence the thoughts being enveloped). the molasses represents the lies that flow into the brain and sort of envelope all of the thoughts both new and old. in this situation, though, the lies are somewhat welcomed as a shield or padding against the truth. i hope this has even remotely helped to clear this up for you. |
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lily Junior Member
since 1999-12-27
Posts 16united states |
trevor: i apologize for the somewhat desperate title. i'm new and i wasn't aware that it would be so offensive to you. and i have critiqued others by the way. no need to be so rude. lily |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
actually, i came upon your poem after seeing the words"Please respond!!". no,no,i don't see this as a desperate way to grab attention. after all, i am also a new member and i can understand your anxiety--"what if no one reads it?"(now,now,who will want that?) i won't comment on your poem--i get to be the dumb one here too...Ha!") however,i will like to ask:why do you compare molasses to lies???isn't molasses some soft of like a plant? do enlighten moi,okie") ciao and take care ") |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I enjoyed this one tremendously. "Jostling" seemed find to me because it reminded me of say a train car filled with people who must jostle around in order to get comfortable. Your explanation, however, slightly disappointed (the poem is crystal clear)because you, perhaps, didn't feel it was necessary to point out that lies also slow the brain down, slow thought and action and are always used as manipulative devices and/or often substituted for a mock self confidence on the part of the liar -- "I can't tell that person the truth because they can't take it -- but I know.(perhaps you thought this was so obvious as unworthy of comment?) . Lies may indeed be social lubricants but they also slow and sometimes stop improvement and change. Truth is not always harsh or brutal or rude. Just an opinion, Brad |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Well Lily, I apoligize if I came off as rude, if I had substituted "asking" for "begging" would it have read better?....or maybe if you hadn't put three exclamations after "PLEASE respond!!!" I wouldn't have interpreted it as begging, either way my whole point was that everyone here wants comments on their work. Now you can put "LOOK AT ME!!!!" on every title for all I care but its a redundant statement because of the obvious reasons why everyone posts their poetry. After re-reading what I wrote on my first response I guess it could have come across as condescending, and for that I do sincerely apoligize, I'm not always the most graceful communicator and sometimes my candid demeanor and bluntness is a hinderance but my intent was not to insult but rather to inform. Now if you still find my comments rude, then so be it, but what you forgot to include in your reply that called me "rude" was the fact that I spent about twenty minutes+ analysising your six lines, responding with an honest critique and then coming back again and giving a further comment on another idea presented by Jenni. Now I don't need any thanks for the time I take on critiquing people's work, it's almost always a pleasure because I do it not only to try and lend a helping hand and because I love poetry but for selfish reasons as well (like trying to improve my own writing and my belief in what CA could be), but I don't expect to be called "rude" either, but hey, if that's your opinion then so be it, I'm sure you're not the only one here who feels that way so don't feel obligated to change that opinion (or tell me differently) unless that is truly how you feel. Anyways, I do apoligize if this has given you ill feelings towards me, I hope that over the course of your stay here I can, through my honest and good intent (isn't that the path to hell? )actions, change that point of view. Anyways, I look forward to reading not only more of your poems but your opinions as well,Take care, Trevor |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i miss everything. people have discussions, and i miss out. asking for comments is something that most of us have done, but all in ignorance that there is a certain societal ettiquette here in CA: no asking, no begging, no pretension, and no arrogance. promoting your poetry in any way often comes off as one of these. but we have to be patient, give honest critiques, and they will eventually learn. i think the poem is really great though, so refreshing to see a short poem in here, and something so emotional still. i like the way that reality is portrayed as an "eyesore" as something horrible, and ideas as new. the lies are made out to be sweet, soft, thick, rich. i love the contrast. for an often used topic, this is a great poem. lily- you probably don't realize what a compliment it is to get such a review from brad. i can compare it to, maybe, jesus christ giving you an autograph. great poem. |
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