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Sculpting Statues
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Sculpting Statues |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA 
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This one is crying for your input: I'm building things, in which you don't believe. Castles in the air, floating on heart songs, that remain unsung. My hands molding statues, of me's that will not be. Sculptures of my dreams, undreamt and dismissed, in fear of your laughter. I'm building fantasies, on hopes and wishes, solidly set on sandy dune, waiting for onslaught of tide. Vision's denial to give ground, to today's battle for purchase. Fantasy's strength shall outlive, reality's blustery strike. ------------------ Dum spiro, spero JP [This message has been edited by JP (edited 08-06-99).] [This message has been edited by JP (edited 08-06-99).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 JP Burns - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
All righty, JP - critiquing free verse is much more difficult for me than to take on a structured format. Since there are no rules of meter or rhyme, it's pretty hard to break them..  I do look for imagery, though.... "Castles floating on heart songs" is good. "Solidly set on sandy dune" - hehe.. a bit of an oxymoron there.. and - "Denial giving ground for fantasy's strength".... ...All are good metaphors & personifications.. All in all, I like it.. |
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Sue Member
since 1999-08-04
Posts 383France |
Personally, I liked "My hands molding statues, of me's that will not be" best, which is not to say I didn't like the rest, I did. I would suggest changing "undreamt and dismissed" to "undreamt of and dismissed" - I think it would make that bit a little smoother. (I'm not talking about rules here, just instinct) |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
I have made some edits - your input provided new insight. Nan, the oxymoron was intentioned (I'm sure you knew that because you're, well, the most wonderfully intelligent person I've ever encountered). Sue, I considered changing 'undreamt' to 'undreamt of' but I think it would change the meaning. Undreamt of would apply better to something, an object (ie: Riches undreamt of), whereas dreams are not undreamt of, but merely undreamt (you have either dreamed them or you have not). If I am wrong here, anyone, just tell me. I am still looking for input on this one, I think it could be better, or added to, but I am woefully unsure. ------------------ Dum spiro, spero JP |
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