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A home without a wall, |
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A home without a wall, |
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| Open Poetry #50 |
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Cleo, CLEO, CLEO! |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa 
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CLEO, CLEO, CLEO 26/4/2017 Wednesday Though I really do hope that somebody (preferably more than one somebody) reads this, long though it is, and understands and says so, I understand if nobody does. This isn’t meant to be literature, just grief exploding, oozing, crying, screaming, catapulting, crashing through the walls of my being, and a letter to my soulmate and beloved kitty, Cleo, whom I know reads every word of my thoughts, a letter which I am sharing with you, and unashamedly asking for your sympathy or empathy or understanding or condolences. Cleo, Cleo, CLEO! My sweet, darling, beloved kitty-cat, when for a moment I couldn’t find you, either inside or outside, I used to start calling you in the normal way one calls a kitty, but when I still couldn’t see you, that turned quickly into shouting for you, and then high-pitched anguished screaming your name, enough to frighten any animal, let alone a kitty-cat, but you who understood the bones of my being, you would come out from where you were not intentionally hiding – a new “housie” – or a favourite old one, often with a little meeow as if to say, “Here I am, Mommy! I’m fine, my darling Mommy, so there’s no need to worry!” BUT YOU’RE NOT DOING THAT NOW! Why? Why? Why, my precious, darling, kitty-koo? Why won’t you appear round the corner and allay Mommy’s anguish? Why won’t you, can’t you, come back from Heaven? Mommy and Benji can’t cope without you and though the (grownup) kittens don’t know you as well as we do, and though I wish I had integrated you long before I did, I’m glad I did eventually – and they miss you terribly too, especially Meschach. I don’t regret taking you to Doctie to help you on your way to Heaven, and I’m glad I explained it all to you and what to expect at Doctie’s rooms – and all about meeting Flicka-horse, Tigger-cat, Daisy-dog and Rambo-dog (the doggie who lived round the corner from us) and all Mommy’s furbabies before them – and that I told you that Mommy and Benji and Shadrach and Meshach and Abigail will all join you all in the future each in our own time. As I was saying, I don’t regret helping you to Heaven because you decided last night that it was time and that last night would be our last night together. As almost always, you slept the whole night through in Mommy’s arms, but quite differently Mommy only dozed from time to time and woke up instantly at your every movement all through that long, short night and answered your every need. For your sake, Mommy wanted the night to end so that I could take you to Doctie to end your suffering, discomfort and possible pain – but for Mommy’s sake I wanted it never to end, so I could hold you forever. You who purred most of the time you were within earshot of Mommy, you hadn’t purred since Sunday, preparing yourself and Mommy, on Monday and Tuesday, for your decision and request last night. Your internal organs must have started to fail on Monday, and increasingly so on Tuesday until last night when you made it clear to Mommy that as much as you love Mommy you wanted to go to Heaven. Mommy and Doctie in these past months tried so hard to make you better, and perhaps that lengthened your happy life a little, but getting you better wasn’t to be. Twelve years is a fair age for a kitty, but Mommy wishes that you had been with Mommy all of your twelve years and not just the last six and a bit. Losing you ripped and continues to rip my heart into jagged bits of ribbons, but your happiness, relief from suffering, discomfort and possible pain is more important than the searing, unbearable, unrelenting pain of my bleeding heart (that is how much Mommy loves you) and I respect and understand and followed through on your decision and request/ Partly for me, but more for you, and even more for your three furbaby brothers and your furbaby sister, you all said your goodbyes. They needed to know that you were never going to return, and where and why. But yes, I understand with every jagged edge of my blood-soaked heart that Benji peered expectantly into the air-windows of your wicker kitty-basket when I brought it back this morning. I told him that you were in Heaven now, as I had said you would be. Even when, with the slivers of my heart aching for the three of us, I opened the basket to show him that you weren’t there, he peered in over the top, wanting, WISHING, WILLING you to jump out. I told him that I understood, and wished you were here too. When I closed the basket and carried it (Snowflake’s then Tigger’s, then your basket) to the passage and put it next to the other wicker basket (Snowstorm’s, now Meshach’s), Benji sniffed at the basket, perhaps reading your last messages to him and Shadrach and Meshach and Abigail. As I sit here in the study on our couch made of two armless armchairs, feet up and Benji next to my lower legs and a very empty space between my elbow and hip where you used to cuddle up to me, even just yesterday . . . and so many more yesterdays, I look through the lounge at the front door, and the sunlight shining in a line underneath it, with the gently moving shadows of leafy branches and I wish with all my severed heart pieces that the shadows were of your little kitty paws and that if I opened the door, you would be waiting there with a little meow to come inside. Everywhere I go, inside and outside, I imagine you in all your usual and favourite places and I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that NOTHING I do, will bring you back, and I will NEVER see you on Earth again. My insides are hollow and fragile and screaming. I want my Cleo back. I want to pick you up in my arms and cuddle you and shower you with kisses and tell you how much Mommy loves you and how precious and special all you sweetheart furbabies are, and how each of you has your own forever place in what was, what is left of, and what will again be my heart – and how the pieces of my Cleo-heart place are convulsing, caving in and gasping for breath. Yes, I want, NEED to pick you up and wrap my arms and love around you, BUT I CAN’T. I am not coping without you and I don’t know what to do – but I don’t regret that your suffering, discomfort and possible pain are over. I’m trying, my sweet, darling angel to cope for the sake of your brothers and sister – and myself too, BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW! AND I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE NOT HERE ANY MORE! Shadrach is on the piano now, next to Leo, my more than 114 year old lion, where Mommy would put your food dish during the daytime, before you were integrated with the kittens and that warms my heart bits and tears them into even smaller pieces at the same time. Earlier over the day and evening I forgot a few times – and expected to see you walk into the study from the kitchen or lounge and jump on to my lap – and then there was the sharp icy stab of reality. I don’t want to go to bed tonight although I didn’t get any proper sleep last night. I am too afraid to be tired, yes afraid. It will hit my even harder, to get into bed without you in my arms. Thursday 27/04/2017 Today is Freedom Day and you are free my precious, darling, sweetheart, Cleo – and for that I am glad, but I am not free. I am contorted into a bundle of aching muscles; my head is still pounding and my eyes are still swollen from the sobbing and sometimes quieter tears. I wrote the above paragraph in bed this morning, too afraid to take Benji out (aside from the first time on his own to do his business) as it won’t be Benji and you and me – but I know I must because Benji, Shadrach, Meshach and Abigail need to start their day. I eventually went to bed last night, mainly for Benji’s sake, but also my own. You will be pleased to hear that Benji ate about an eighth of his Sunday breakfast last night before we went to bed, so the Gastropect is working – perhaps knowing that you are resting in peace helped a bit. And this morning he ate almost all the rest – just left 9 pellets. I think he may finish those today and get and finish supper tonight and breakfast tomorrow. I was surprised to have slept, I think from minutes after I got into bed, until just after 7am. (I had turned off the five phone alarms and their three minute Snooze alarms because Benji’s three lots of Gastropect would easily fit into our waking hours.) I awoke with wet eyelashes. I vaguely remembered my dream when I woke up, but have forgotten those bits already, just that it was complicated. Strangely I am fairy certain that I didn’t dream about you – perhaps because I was afraid to – as with Flicka, Tigger, Daisy and Rambo – because of waking up to you not being here. It breaks my tiny heart pieces further, not to see you and Benji cuddling up together and licking each other. He isn’t leaving my side for a moment. We are grieving together. As with yesterday, I couldn’t bring myself to do the “play ballie” routine with Benji especially because I would have felt the absence of the whole extra-strokie routine with you in lieu of a game as you were seldom playful. But I know I must take up the ballie routine again because Benji loves it so much – as did I – and I know I will again. I’ll try to start that again tomorrow, especially as I believe with Gastropect again today he will be ready for all his breakfast. Even without Lilian, my laptop, who went into hospital last Friday and whom I now will only get back tomorrow (Friday), I should still be working at other things like spring-cleaning and gardening, but I can’t face it now. I will try later today. Everything I do, everywhere I turn, everything I see holds more than memories of you, my precious Cleo – and I WANT those memories, but I shy away from them, because the pain is too great and I am gasping somewhere in-between. From time to time, I pace the house in anguish, afraid to do anything, afraid to think anything, lost, lost, lost in frenzied fear and pain. I want to scream your name and shout how much I love you, but that won’t bring you back, and you know how much I love you anyway. Our bond was – is – strong, special and forever beyond death. I am nevertheless SO glad that it is me left behind going through this separation anguish and not you, but my sweet, sweet, darling Cleo, how am I going to turn this grief into doing what I need to for Benji and Cle (I started to write ‘Cleo’ because ‘Benji and Cleo’ as words and as furbabies go together like South African blue skies and sunshine) Shadrach and Meshach and Abigail and myself? Logic and history tell me that this pain will lessen and that my heart pieces will stop bleeding and join up again and start beating again with life, but for now my heart pieces and soul and body and mind don’t know how to believe that. “They”, whoever “they” may be, say “Live in the moment”, but this moment is stretched out of shape and my mind is a jumble of fears and pain and my body doesn’t feel like mine and I can’t find my soul. I have five very individual furbabies but one of them JUST ISN’T HERE AND ISN’T COMING BACK! Nothing will ever be the same again. Cleo, CLEO, CLEO! |
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| © Copyright 2017 Diana van den Berg - All Rights Reserved | |||
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JerryPat2 Member Laureate
since 2011-02-06
Posts 16975South Louisiana |
I read it. I understand how the death of Cleo is affecting you. Can't offer any good advice, except to say . . . Time, it will take time. ~ If they give you ruled paper, write sideways. ~ |
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P.U Stinkenbaum Member Posts 388 No Fan Of Exhaust Fans |
quote:Nothing and no one lives forever in a physical form. You CAN cope and you WILL cope. It's a certainty, in reality...is it not? All things must pass. I don't wish to be insensitive Miss Owl, but frankly, it's a bit much for open poetry, but that's just my observation. Pass the Glade if you're going to do that here... |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
Thank you, Jerry. |
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miscellanea Member Elite
since 2004-06-24
Posts 4060OH |
Owl, I am sorry about the passing of your beloved Cleo. I had to put my spirited Buck down a week ago. Not an easy thing to do, but I think Buck wanted to go to a better place, a place where there is no pain. I know you must miss Cleo greatly.My condolences. It is good you wrote about your loss. Thank you for sharing with us on the blue pages. Miscellanea |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
Thank you, Miscellanea, for your beautiful, kind, empathetic response. I am so very sorry too about the passing of your precious Buck. I know that Buck and Cleo have met in their better happy place. Besides the fact that my letter was primarily WRITTEN because I needed to talk to Cleo, it was POSTED so that I could tell my friends about her passing, as it was too painful for me to tell you directly about her passing and I wouldn’t have known how to word it, whereas sharing my letter to her – letting you read over my shoulder - was easier. |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
So sorry you had this latest experience. I understand your love for your animals. Have not been posting for a long time. Just happened to stop in this evening and found your letter to your kitten. Best to you.jo/ latearrival |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
So sorry you had this latest experience. I understand your love for your animals. Have not been posting for a long time. Just happened to stop in this evening and found your letter to your kitten. Best to you.jo/ latearrival |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
Thank you very much, Martyjo, for your heartfelt response to the passing of my beloved, Cleo. She was actually 12 years old. Though a good age for a cat, many cats live much longer. The (grownup) kittens are Shadrach, Meshach and Abigail. Whilst I am glad for Cleo that is in a better place, my pain at her loss is overwhelming and unrelenting. |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
Owl, Just happened in tonight.So sorry to hear about your Cleo's last journey.But your love and care for Cleo will stand her in good stead. |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
I came to PIP today to post of another loss and saw this. I am so very very sorry for your loss and the loss your other furbabies are suffering. I remember when you got Benji and Cleo. And I know you gave her a happy life. The sharp pain that's ripping through you now is the price of love - and however great the hurt, I know you wouldn't trade away a single day of loving or one moment of the joy she gave all of you. My deepest sympathy. Heaven's gaining too many of our beloved. |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
I know how much you have loved your loving pets through the years and have felt your tears from a distance. Sending you my understanding as you have sent them to me when I have gone through similar loss. Big hugs! |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
Thank you, again, Martyjo for your very kind words. |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
Thank you so much, Ruth for your wonderful, comforting and supportive kindness. I wanted to email you before you saw it here, but things have been hectic, and I didn't make it in time. I am so sorry. I know how very well you understand how Benji and the grownup kittens and I feel. You are so right - I treasure every moment we had of her. I know she is better off where she is, but oh the losssss . . . for those of us left behind . . . I have replied to your sad news of Toe's passing in the thread you posted. I am so sorry at his passing. |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
Thank you so very much for your kind comfort Martie and for the big hugs. Hugging you back. [This message has been edited by OwlSA (05-08-2017 10:05 AM).] |
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Marchmadness Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271So. El Monte, California |
So very sorry, Diana. I lost my Soleil last year. She was 21 and 5 months. Loved her dearly and miss her terribly. Ida |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
Thank you so very much, Ida. I know you understand. What a lovely name for Soleil! I presume she was ginger . . . or perhaps it was her sunny nature that gave her that name. And what an excellent age, but so many years of memories that are simultaneously as beautiful as they are aching in the loss of her. I am so sorry for your loss too. |
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Marchmadness Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271So. El Monte, California |
Yes, She was a ginger cat with white on her face and neck. She was a part of my life for a long time and I miss her terribly. |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
God bless CLEO! Yes, of course we miss those we love and care for...hope your heart heals...James |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
I am so sorry, Ida. I am living that anguish too. |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
Thank you, James, for your kind thoughts. |
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