Miles to walk - a villanelle

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jjote
Senior Member

since 2002-12-25

Posts 1088
Ontario, Canada

0 posted 2016-03-18 03:19 PM

In silence I walk to the edge of light
drawn towards mottled patches of color
a rainbow fragmented dazzles my sight

How I wish to shed off the cloak of night
not to cling to the comfort of darkness
in silence I walk to the edge of light

to reach the heavens at its fullest height
pushing off the shadows that surround me
a rainbow fragmented dazzles my sight

a netherworld of dreams beyond twilight
wraps tight around the mist that holds my thoughts
in silence I walk to the edge of light

the path I choose to walk may not be right
in a mad frenzy to outrace my pain
a rainbow fragmented dazzles my sight

the miles I tread on is a mess of weeds
languishing in a deep sleeping forest
in silence I walk to the edge of light
a rainbow fragmented dazzles my sight

@jjote 3/18/16

JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

1 posted 2016-03-18 03:49 PM

I am of the opinion this is the best of the villanelle so far. You have grabbed on to the villanelle style and are making it your own.

~ If they give you ruled paper, write sideways. ~

jjote
Senior Member

since 2002-12-25

Posts 1088
Ontario, Canada

2 posted 2016-03-18 05:31 PM

thanks Jerry, I value your feedback so much. I'll hone villanelles some more till I get choked up with it.

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

3 posted 2016-03-18 05:34 PM

Miss, since you mention that you welcome constructive critiques, let me point out that all of the middle lines of each stanza of a villanelle must rhyme. In addition, the the last four-line stanza, the first line must rhyme with the 3rd and 4th lines and the second line must rhyme with the other middle lines in the other stanzas.

Villanelles are not for the weak of heart. I applaud your effort in taking them on.

ice
Member Elite

since 2003-05-17

Posts 3404
Pennsylvania

4 posted 2016-03-18 06:44 PM

Perhaps this is a joteanelle, as what Deer points out is correct ?...yet I do not care, as the distortion of the tracks, and bit of crosseyed blurriness in the suroundings, reminds me of Poe, and his dream within a dream...a beautiful piece of word work, and selected picture.

"a netherworld of dreams beyond twilight
wraps tight around the mist that holds my thoughts
in silence I walk to the edge of light"

"All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream."
Poe

"Poetry is an echo, asking a shadow to dance."
Carl Sandburg

jjote
Senior Member

since 2002-12-25

Posts 1088
Ontario, Canada

5 posted 2016-03-18 07:18 PM

thanks 'Deer, your critique is very welcome, I'll keep that in mind the next time I try to do it. Hope to do one soon, and get to read your comment too. And Ice, glad you liked this, errors regardless (missed the rhyming structures)...joteanelle? that's a good one

ethome
Member Patricius

since 2000-05-14

Posts 11858
New Brunswick Canada

6 posted 2016-03-18 08:28 PM

Well, being a verse/lyric writer I still applaud you and your effort to write this piece.
I personally thought the stanzas or verses fit very well with the picture.

I admire people like you that are willing to learn in this crazy uncaring world and improve on a craft they enjoy.

Eric

true love never looks after it's own interests

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

7 posted 2016-03-18 09:29 PM

I have no doubt you will do great, miss. You have a lot of talent and a willingness to learn and perfect....a great combination.

I agree with Ice completely. Like Poe, you are able to create an almost surrealistic setting with your words that draws the reader into the atmosphere you create.....very enjoyable.

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

8 posted 2016-03-18 10:08 PM

this is nice writing...james

JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

9 posted 2016-03-18 10:31 PM

Seems I was wrong, jjolte and do not know how to write a villanelle after all. I am sorry for steering you wrongly. Keep on keeping on, you will get it for sure

~ If they give you ruled paper, write sideways. ~

jjote
Senior Member

since 2002-12-25

Posts 1088
Ontario, Canada

10 posted 2016-03-26 08:58 AM

Don't worry Jerry, you got me starting on this, thanks to you am making the effort.

Thanks Ice,eric and james, without your reading, writing seems to lose its appeal. Appreciate your comments

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