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Open Poetry #49
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If I Didn’t
| Open Poetry #49 |
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If I Didn’t |
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Lori Grosser Rhoden Member Patricius
since 2009-10-10
Posts 10202Fair to middlin' of nowhere 
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I got distracted by denial of your demons, I was entangled in the chains of your charming. I confused chemistry’s control for love. I dug in to that disaster and held on as if to save my life. I could not, would not listen to my weakened and wiser self until it was too late. By then, in my madness, I conceived my daughter, of whom I’d been foretold. In my womb she was awash with my emotions, anxious and frantic much too much of the time. I tried to fix you for her. Tried to make sense of you for her. Tried to keep you alive for her. Had to save myself for her. But it was too late for her and me ever to be normal. I carry the guilt and my shame of your possession and the damage done from staying. It hurts to see her struggle. It hurts to see her hurt and afraid. It hurts to hear her sound like you. I think I could forgive you if I didn’t hate you so. I wish I could forgive myself if I didn’t hate me so… LGR©10/22/15 |
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| © Copyright 2015 Lori Grosser Rhoden - All Rights Reserved | |||
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JerryPat2 Member Laureate
since 2011-02-06
Posts 16975South Louisiana |
I am definitely aware of a hate that strong, Lori. I carry mine around to this day. But people are pretty resilient, and hopefully your daughter will work through all her problems. ~*~ When they give you ruled paper write sideways. ~*~ |
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Lori Grosser Rhoden Member Patricius
since 2009-10-10
Posts 10202Fair to middlin' of nowhere |
God bless her heart she is really trying hard to get her ship together. I am really proud of her. ~L |
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Ticklefingers Senior Member Posts 710 Louisiana |
Hi Miss Lori, Please forgive the 'brew-ha-ha' below, but its your fault for writing this powerful and intriguing poetry. The attraction of love and love's attraction has caught many of us off guard, as it should I suppose. If we're unfortunate enough to be on the 'love' side of a one-sided love, only the worst (emotionally that is, not children) can happen. Children, I feel, are always a blessing under any circumstances. After all, they are the innocent of any flaring passion or even rape. One can't be defensive and be in love, in my own opinion. Shields must be down and locked or it will bounce right off. Vulnerability and hurt are just two things we must be willing to endure if we seek it out for ourselves. This, I find most telling in its intensity in terms of the dangers: quote: We must be careful to know who is really doing the 'talking' when we say these things. I think you and I both know who the 'author' of hate is. Warm Regards from Ticklefingers Keep  ing She told me "play one for your supper Danny and maybe you'll get breakfast". |
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Lori Grosser Rhoden Member Patricius
since 2009-10-10
Posts 10202Fair to middlin' of nowhere |
You are right TF, and I know I am only hurting myself. I have made my little bit of hell that I drag daily. The rational part of me puts it in God's hands and knows it will be okay. But the physical and emotional parts of me raise such a ruckus it is hard to keep that in focus. I appreciate your thoughts very much. ~L |
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