Open Poetry #48 |
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the notebook burns tonight |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738![]() |
* * * I kept it-- lined pages scored bound with metal spiraling poetry or (poetry?) You wrote that, underscored with zest upon my page which followed yours and when I stopped you wrote "encore" with a stupid smilie face a meager offering so sad and yet, I let you in again but I did it with you, mad. My tears stained your pillowcase. You said you liked it much that way and I became more furious as you pinned me down for more tenderly, this time as I sobbed before you slammed the door as I picked up the pen, again. And underneath, I underscored: POETRY emphatically pressing urgency within five pages stamped under duress. I kept this. I'm a masochist. I read it every spring and taste your sweat upon my lips and how the ceiling fan would wobble with one blade missing, one blade bent and how the windows were ajar I'd say, "let them listen" and you'd grin and scream like a monkey for the sake to provocate the envy of those listening to our afternoons of bliss. I read the notebook, every year, wondering if you think of me, and our son that might have been but for a pronoun's preference-- Not we just me precisely, "you"-- "What is it that you're going to do?" i-guess-i'll-just-get-rid-of-it and you said, "Do it soon." Tonight I'm burning what is left-- of my pain and my regrets. I kept it for the thoughtfulness you'd written on a page or two with stupid little doodles that convinced me that you loved me too. My God, I am an idiot-- but such a chid would be produced! by poets playing badminton every other afternoon in the guest house lair the room-- I think of you like you're still there... as sour as my empty womb. He would have been a man by now. And not like you. No, not like you. These days I think I died with him. Some days I wish that you had too. * * * |
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© Copyright 2012 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved | |||
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I'm screaming do not burn it!!! because that would be getting rid of a secret that while kept, still needs the light of day to keep you sane, because I know! I know. yes... i know. |
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JerryPat2 Member Laureate
since 2011-02-06
Posts 16975South Louisiana |
Talk about memories this has stirred, Karen, My God. New Orleans, late sixties. Lived above Galatoire's with a stripper who worked at The Old French Opera House under the name of Debbie the Debutante. It was the rough love that made me think of Debbie (Can't remember her real name for anything) and up in that one-room apartment where we, too, got loud. I realize your poem is world different that my experience with Debbie, but in some ways, especially in the beginning we could probably compare notes. God! I haven't thought about her since, who know, I may not have thought about her, but I have never forgotten her. Thanks for helping me dredge up some wild, some sad, memories. ~*~ If they give you lined paper, write sideways. ~*~ |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
The only way I can burn it is to leave a little something behind, and this was hard enough. Every year. For over twenty years. It's a ritual that is hurting me and I need to let it go. It's not like Elizabath and Rob Browning. (He wasn't that good. ![]() This is actually more than I wanted to leave behind, and it might not be good, but damn if it didn't hurt to write it. Thank you Kari--I'm not burning a love song. I'm cauterizing myself. And Jerry? smile...and hugs, didn't I say from the beginning you and I were sympatico? Thanks for reading... ![]() |
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katahdin Senior Member
since 2010-07-01
Posts 1196ME. In the Shadow of the Mt. |
Oh Karen! I swear you read my diary! I've had such a painful memory of a baby that should have been, in a much simiular situation. Something that I blocked out for years. I feel your pain. Sending hugs to you. And my name is also Karen. >^..^< |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Karen? So we finally meet ourselves! *touching the screen through tears* ![]() I nearly deleted this, too. Hugging you tight. |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
Good God! Don't burn it!! I don't know what to write in reply. The things I do know go back quite a distance in cyberspace. Things you get to know about folks in a forum like this. Always regarded you as a very sensitive intelligent woman. Over the years have proven me absolutely right. After reading this the sensitive part shows openly. Remember who you are and that's one hell of a worthy person to hold on to such love which I can't say the samne for your partner. I don't know all the facts but never burn a part of you! Just me and I don't know what I'm talking about on the best of days. However, even after reading your responses my opinion stays the same. Someday you'll be glad you didn't. To hell with the Brownings! Excellent write! Never stop! Eric true love never looks after it's own interests |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
words just words I should have kept the baby... if anybody's thinking about it, keep the baby. ![]() |
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ebonygirl Member Elite
since 2011-07-14
Posts 2000California U.S.A |
I agree, don't burn anything Serenity. You have lots of memories and love in those pages, especially for your child who, I believe, you will one day see. You, my dear, are one special lady. |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
As a male it's easy for me to say don't beat yourself up over what's already happened. However, you do have a lot to offer yourself and those around you. Never give up on yourself because someone out there is going to need you and your experience. AND we all make mistakes we never forget but can't change. I know I have and I can't even put them to pen. These days I bend over backwards to try and help others any way I can. The inner peace it promotes is indescribable. Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. Give some to someone else......you won't be a repeat offender. Eric true love never looks after it's own interests |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Eric? I did't write this as a statement to men, no pasquinade-- I just wrote it because I feel it--every year--and I have no doubt that men who know, feel the same pain. Um, can I just say it's a very bad time of year for me, and we'll leave it at that? *nod* thank you ![]() |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
p.s. My kids know. I have no idea if that demeans me or what--but I knew they had to know from my own lips, and not from something they read on the internet. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
Smile, I didn't take it as a statement to men, just that we don't know the depth of emotion from the male angle. I kinda assumed it was a once a year thing and I was trying to cheer you up with an assurance of your own self worth. However, well said, I'll leave it all alone and I understand. Eric true love never looks after it's own interests |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
May I have this dance? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7fXaC07X5M8 |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
All you have to do is look in the mirror and you'll find one. Thanks, I appreciate the dance. Eric true love never looks after it's own interests |
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MICHELMAS Member
since 2012-02-15
Posts 305Lancashire England |
Heartfelt Does time ever heal, probably never on the inside. And yes you can burn the notebook, but the memory still remains. Michael |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
just sending you a hug...everyone already posted what my thoughts would have been to you... and I am sure your children appreciate the honesty and warmth in you and your words. ![]() M |
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Startime1955 Senior Member
since 2012-04-22
Posts 1072Alberta, Canada |
This is a beautiful, heartfelt poem that brings this reader to tears...The best I can do is send you *HUGS* as well... |
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icebox Member Elite
since 2003-05-03
Posts 4383in the shadows |
The vast and fabulous Comstock Lode silver mine was discovered in the tailings of an abandoned played out gold mine. Old poetry can be re-assayed and re-mined...but all of life in some way is choice...including choices of souls yet born. Someday, perhaps, we might correspond more specifically about this. On another thought: "You said you liked it much that way and I became more furious as you pinned me down for more tenderly, this time..." Were you furious because of the tenderness? Just curious about you being furious. I wish you peace. |
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Amaryllis Senior Member
since 2010-05-20
Posts 1306Mi now |
Achingly raw. I have burned an item or two myself. For what it's worth, I don't miss it, but in the end it changed nothing, darn it. Now it's [Edited for profanity - Ron ] Eh? Hugs and empathy to you! Amaryllis [This message has been edited by Ron (06-04-2012 03:45 PM).] |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
It was a very intense relationship. ![]() Thanks for reading (and so closely, too, Mr. C!) ![]() ![]() My love to you all. |
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Marchmadness Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271So. El Monte, California |
Intense experience shared by many, Karen. I can't say I have know this particular pain. I can just send you a hug. Ida |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
I love this and that you posted it. I understand this completely,not my story but of those close to me. As yes, there is two sides to the sorrow and the healing.love to you, jo |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I must have told the story before, because um, I would have never met the guy had I not been denied coffee at...a COFFEESHOP. ![]() ![]() |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
Smiling again.You are a one and only. |
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