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Amberzlynnc
Member

since 2010-08-24

Posts 229
New Jersey

0 posted 2012-02-27 12:14 PM

When one’s in a ticklish mood,
the slightest touch to their hand
will send them into a roar of laughter.

When one’s scared,
the faintest noise in the distance
will make them freeze with fear.

When one’s having a bad day,
the most minor inconvenience
will make them feel like everything just keeps getting worse.

And when one’s feeling loved,
they’re thrown into a state of bliss
That makes everything feel like it’s going to be okay.

The key to happiness?
Just love and be loved.

*Amber

JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

1 posted 2012-02-27 12:26 PM

Yep. It is as simple as that, Amberzlynnc, "Just love and be loved."

~*~ If they give you lined paper, write sideways. ~*~

jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

2 posted 2012-02-27 12:44 PM

Says it all, doesn't it my friend.

j.

aujussy wolf

Senior Member

since 2003-08-09

Posts 1215
Michigan

3 posted 2012-02-27 10:00 PM

Love and be loved! Awesome way to end the poem.

In his mantle gray he walked one day across a shining floor and with crystal key in secrecy he opened an ivory door -J.R.R. Tolkien(T.Bombadil)

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

4 posted 2012-02-27 10:32 PM

H, a fine and entertaining job.  Your profile says you accept critiques so I will point out that, unless I miss the point completely -- and Lord knows that has been known to happen -- you have a consistent confusion going on.

When "one's" in a ticklish mood,
the slightest touch to "their" hand
will send them into a roar of laughter.

This doesn't work.  The simplest fix, and what I think you mean to say, is "When someone's in a ticklish mood..." and so on through the stanzas.

What's fun about this poem is that it is fresh and unpretentious.  Could be grammatical, too.

Jimbeaux

jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

5 posted 2012-02-27 10:47 PM

I think you said it just fine, especially if you were speaking of yourself --- one's ---, so it worked just fine for me.

Cool...

j.

oceanvu2
Senior Member

since 2007-02-24

Posts 1066
Santa Monica, California, USA

6 posted 2012-02-27 11:25 PM

OK, jwesley, if the poet is talking about herself, it still doesn't work gramatically.  It would be "the slightest touch to MY hand sends ME" and so on.

This poems seems to want to be clear and direct.  So why not be clear and direct?  It's so close.  Why not put it over the top?

I really am trying to read this from the different perspectives suggested, but I can't wrap my mind around the construction.  On the other hand, I'm not a member of the Poetry Police, either.

Jimbeaux

jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

7 posted 2012-02-28 05:00 PM

LOL --- I flunked grammar so I wouldn't know diddly from squat, but it still works for me, and I would not hesitate to write it the same way, right or wrong, in the same circumstance frame of thought.

j.

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

8 posted 2012-03-06 11:57 PM

Enjoyed this...James

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