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Open Poetry #46

First pip Poem:

StarlitMind
Junior Member

since 2010-03-17

Posts 12
New England

0 posted 2010-03-17 07:11 PM

I could say a lot of things to you
you, who I don't know (like I pretend)
I could tell you
I could tell you how the sun shines on your skin,
and how you hold yourself proud

yet delicately
Your eyes burn, somtimes laugh

And I could say all of this,
and it would be dismissed with a smile
because you don't know me (like you pretend)
and I can tell
you don't believe me

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

1 posted 2010-03-17 08:42 PM

pretty cool first poem!

I'll be looking for more of your work

and welcome to PIP!

StarlitMind
Junior Member

since 2010-03-17

Posts 12
New England

2 posted 2010-03-17 11:09 PM

Thanks! I love this forum already. A lot of really talented people.

Zeigeist
Member

since 2009-12-09

Posts 311
Michigan

3 posted 2010-03-18 10:55 AM

Poetry about the connections between people, right up my ally. Great first post. Bring us some more!

Z.

Robert E. Jordan
Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-25

Posts 8541
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

4 posted 2010-03-18 03:29 PM

Yo dear StarlitMind,

This is a fairly good poem.

I'd have the eyes glow, or do something else beside burn.

Bobby

Chalmette Guy
Senior Member

since 2009-03-11

Posts 1257
Louisiana

5 posted 2010-03-19 12:21 PM

I, for one, actually prefer the eyes burning. That just makes it more dramatic, more intense. But that's just me.

Loved this.
Welcome to Pips.

latearrival
Member Ascendant

since 2003-03-21

Posts 5499
Florida

6 posted 2010-03-19 03:07 PM

Welcome, I enjoyed your first post. latearrival

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