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young_artist123
New Member

since 2010-01-06

Posts 3

0 posted 2010-01-06 08:30 PM

im writing a poem for someone. and its my first
one yet so i could use some criticism. if you have any ryhmes or anything i could use would be more then helpful.

                  The Angel Of Light

  I was once a darksoul lurking around the
darkness when an angel came down and
guided me with her light. No longer shall
I be lost in this world of mayhem.

  She's the air i breathe, the water i drink,
the ground i walk on, she's the heart to my
soul. Pfft who am i kidding? She isnt all that,
she completes me, infact she's the better half of me.

  She's the side i want to grasp with all the
bones in my body and grow old with.
The side that gives me the butterflies with
a simple hello. She's the side that makes
the summer midnight sky blue. She's the
one true side of me that i will never forget
nor regret.

  Today im addicted to the most powerful
drug known to mankind, today is a day
of fear and excitement. Only Time will
tell if my one true love is the one for me.
This drug is praised by some, feared by
most. I must admitt this is the most
powerful drug ive ever encountered. I cant
say that i hate it, without it id be back in
the dark fighting for survival.

  Every day i cant stop thinking of her, i cant
bear the thought of life without her. When
i walk home from work i pick up a rose
picking of the pelts asking myself, she loves me? she loves me not?

  Untill i get the one that makes my
heart melt. When i see couples together
having fun, i wonder what it would be like to
have that much fun laughing at the smallest
things.

  Id spend every nickel and dime i find and earn
just to see her smile one last time. When my
phone rings i have a feeling that its her, but
yet its just my friend. I tease her not out of
evil but out of an act of love for i am just a
friendly teddy bear.

  Im always calling her a nerd, but with what i
have just done, i must be the biggest nerd
of them all.  She claims that she will die alone,
i refuse to believe that since i will always love
her until the last flower on earth dies.
(> ^_^ )>         <3         <( ^_^ <)

[This message has been edited by young_artist123 (01-07-2010 11:09 PM).]

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

1 posted 2010-01-06 09:08 PM

What a lovely first poem! Anyone would be thrilled to receive this. I don't think you need to change a thing, except it may have been easier to read if it had line breaks. Welcome to Passions and I know you will enjoy it here.

~♥ Mysteria ♥~

Klassy Lassy
Member Elite

since 2005-06-28

Posts 2187
Oregon

2 posted 2010-01-06 09:51 PM

  A great first poem, I agree!  I do think a poem format would enhance the message, and line breaks would help give added emphasis where you wish.

If it were my poem, I would drop the word "onto" after "grasp".  Omitting extraneous words simplifies and often empowers meaning in poetry.

Welcome to PIP!

Karen

young_artist123
New Member

since 2010-01-06

Posts 3

3 posted 2010-01-06 11:55 PM

Thanks

[This message has been edited by young_artist123 (01-07-2010 06:01 PM).]

Just_some_nerd_1892
New Member

since 2010-01-10

Posts 1

4 posted 2010-01-10 04:48 PM

I think its beautiful and any girl would be lucky to get it

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