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Open Poetry #46
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Talking About The Moon
| Open Poetry #46 |
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Talking About The Moon |
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katahdin Senior Member
since 2010-07-01
Posts 1196ME. In the Shadow of the Mt. |
Everyone's talking about the moon How it makes romantics swoon Lovers croon and couples spoon Me, I sleep a lovers sleep till noon For some it's passing comes too soon When full, out comes the crazy loon For it makes some go loonie-toon All because of a yellow balloon The waxing and waning of the moon [This message has been edited by katahdin (09-23-2010 07:43 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2010 Karen A . Blackburn - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Novus_Os Member
since 2010-07-21
Posts 115West Coast, USA |
Your poem goes for it in the rhyme, and to me, works well. Your poem made me smile. I really enjoyed this one. Regards, Novus_Os Life is meant to be enjoyed, not just endured. |
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katahdin Senior Member
since 2010-07-01
Posts 1196ME. In the Shadow of the Mt. |
Thanks Novus_Os, I'm glad it made you smile. Kat >^..^< |
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Earl Brinkman Senior Member
since 2010-03-03
Posts 1183Osaka, Japan |
Nice how you got all the words to rhyme but the 5th line needs work because it doesn`t fit. You could probably take the line out and the poem would make sense. Monkey around with it because it would be a shame to waste it. ....... For some the passing comes too soon might be clearer if you changed it to For some it`s passing..... |
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katahdin Senior Member
since 2010-07-01
Posts 1196ME. In the Shadow of the Mt. |
Thanks for the critique EB. I changed "the passing" to "it's passing" and it fits much better. As for the fifth line it stays. It's about love and the moon and it's effect on people. It may not make perfect sense to you but it does to me. I like it so it stays. It's not a serious poem, it's ment to be light hearted and funny. Kat >^..^< |
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Earl Brinkman Senior Member
since 2010-03-03
Posts 1183Osaka, Japan |
I like a writer who sticks to her guns. I guess you have to please yourself before everyone else. I am glad that I could help a little. |
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katahdin Senior Member
since 2010-07-01
Posts 1196ME. In the Shadow of the Mt. |
Thanks EB but now you've got me thinking...hmmm I want to put love or lovers in that 5th line but maybe change it to - Some lovers gaze all night then sleep till noon. OR A few gaze all night then sleep till noon. What do you think? Maybe I'll just think on it awhile. Kat >^..^< [This message has been edited by katahdin (09-24-2010 02:49 AM).] |
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The Lady Member Rara Avis
since 2005-12-26
Posts 7634The Southwest |
I think it's clever Kat whatever you do make it yours |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
You may sleep through the splendor of the moon, but it still affects/inspires you intensely! Very nice. Love, Margherita |
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Earl Brinkman Senior Member
since 2010-03-03
Posts 1183Osaka, Japan |
Sorry to be late in replying. I like `Some lovers gaze` better. Of course it is your decision and you have to make it your own as The Lady says. |
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Novus_Os Member
since 2010-07-21
Posts 115West Coast, USA |
Kat- I would like to say something. I tend to agree with the sentiment expressed that it is great the way it is. I like the adjustment you made by using "its passing". In keeping with what Earl stated however, I do have a solution. It works, but might work even better like this: "The wax and waning of the moon". Using wax as opposed to waxing is still grammatically correct, I think, and balances the sync of the poem well. Just my humble opinion. Like I said, Really liked it any way you slice it. Kind of like green cheese! |
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katahdin Senior Member
since 2010-07-01
Posts 1196ME. In the Shadow of the Mt. |
Thanks everyone for the help. I have decided that I like it the way it is. Thanks again! Kat >^..^< [This message has been edited by katahdin (09-26-2010 04:26 AM).] |
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katahdin Senior Member
since 2010-07-01
Posts 1196ME. In the Shadow of the Mt. |
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