i cried until the middle of the night

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Open Poetry #46

i cried until the middle of the night

Tomer
Senior Member

since 2002-06-28

Posts 1168
Michigan

0 posted 2010-08-23 08:48 PM

I cried until the middle of the night.
Between the train tracks and long oak trees,
I cracked open a knife to another life
Of long naps and virtues no man
Along the sandy paths could see.

Here I was; with my hands so free,
The land balancing the sun and the sea
My thoughts parted with me
And I felt like I was; I felt like I was
A stranger in my head
But the doors felt like I was ahead

So I rushed my fingers through my hair
Loved the way it felt
So I cried some more.
I felt like I was losing but I donÕt care
Because the tears donÕt stop
Your thoughts from flowing

They wonÕt stop the early morning haze
Of you and a pill,
Of nirvana for just a few,
Here, take my seat,
IÕm on my way.

easy1
Senior Member

since 2010-05-22

Posts 1209
Southeastern USA

1 posted 2010-08-24 06:03 AM

At least you didn't have ****heads poisoning you, or you would have woven in a mention somehow.

This is imho a potentially powerful work that requires a rewrite with a little more development. The images of the tall oaks by train tracks, and of getting up for another to take a seat no longer really needed, are good.

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