When I was five(my memory)

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Open Poetry #46

When I was five(my memory)

ken206573
Member

since 2008-10-14

Posts 487

0 posted 2010-05-21 10:48 PM

I woke up in the night
while everyone else
was sleeping,
dreaming.
It was during the
winter's season.
I for some reason
couldn't sleep. Back
then I was terrified
of the darkness, to
scared to linger
in the dark. Unless
I had the lights
on, I would lay
with my sister, and
slumber. Yet I
pulled myself from
the security of
her bed and our
room. Tiptoeing
into the tv area,
that we kids claimed,
yet I being younger
ruled over
the tv. I head off to
our play area and
opened the window.
The air was cold
as snow fell
down. It covered our
neighborhood, as
the street lamps gave
them the spotlight. I
put my hand out
the window as
snowflakes melt on my
hand. I smiled and
began to sing,
welcoming snow children
once more
until the cold
air sends me
back to
bed.

Bastet
Member

since 2010-05-07

Posts 246

1 posted 2010-05-22 01:37 AM

A very good story poem. You set a vivid winter scene. I can feel the fear of a child in the dark. Maybe a bit of attention to the tenses. You have used both past and present. Or was this intentional? Thank you for your comments on my work.

whisperingwalt
Member

since 2010-04-29

Posts 240
Coquitlam, BC, Canada

2 posted 2010-05-22 03:23 AM

Enjoyed the story and the read..really felt the feeling of the poem.ww

2islander2
Member Ascendant

since 2008-03-12

Posts 6825
by the sea

3 posted 2010-05-22 04:19 AM

It makes me think of my own childhood, the scene is vivid and describes a lot of child sensations, thanks for the enjoyable read

yann

Earl Brinkman
Senior Member

since 2010-03-03

Posts 1183
Osaka, Japan

4 posted 2010-05-22 08:02 AM

Besides being a good story poem I liked the layout of this piece. It looked really cool.

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

5 posted 2010-05-22 09:49 AM

I hadn't known real snow until I moved here in Dec 2008. Whew! Yep it sure made me want to sleep till Spring.

Nice poem here

Margherita
Member Seraphic

since 2003-02-08

Posts 22236
Eternity

6 posted 2010-05-22 04:02 PM

Goodness, a child alone in the night opening a window ... but it seems you were already sensible enough to avoid any risks!

Enjoyed this much ... especially the "snow children", beautifully said.

Love,
Margherita

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