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brian sites
Senior Member

since 2002-06-25

Posts 1475
usa

0 posted 2010-04-22 03:30 AM

              a slow
unwinding
      of breath...

     experience
wound down
      to
the pace of
        knowing

a piece
      of pain
grown
     up

            tired of retelling
                    the
                self
tired
of rebelling

             the tried
                    is showing
             on my face

afraid
  the
        gulf
          is beyond

                   sailing
                  home

Margherita
Member Seraphic

since 2003-02-08

Posts 22236
Eternity

1 posted 2010-04-22 01:41 PM

A most profound and poignant write, as I perceive it.

Love,
Margherita

BluesSerenade
Member Patricius

since 2001-10-23

Posts 10549
By the Seaside

2 posted 2010-04-22 08:56 PM

I always took you for a gifted poet, and I see you still got it!!

You have a knack for writing such simple truths with raw emotion...makes me go aaah!!

Nice reading you again.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

3 posted 2010-04-25 11:38 AM

There you are...and here are your whisperings...

sail on!

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

4 posted 2010-04-25 02:47 PM

I know that you can get darn tired of the same music, and the same dance.

Good to read you again Brian.

Trapped - Nothing
Member

since 2010-04-25

Posts 52

5 posted 2010-04-26 09:53 AM

a slow
unwinding
      of breath...

     experience
wound down
      to
the pace of
        knowing

a piece
      of pain
grown
     up

I love how your words dance on the page its energetic,  too much dance and the words have worn out its stay.  This makes for a potentially meaningful haiku.

I especially like a piece of pain.  Just like a piece of pizza.  I like drawing this analogy.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

6 posted 2010-05-03 08:34 PM

Apparently this does indeed inspire "dance".

I felt the pain, and your method of spacing is always intriguing. The first line indentation made me take a breath before I even read the words. The wordplay of the title made me smile, because I "get it".

In spite of the message, I still delight in reading this--I know how difficult it is to work the page AND rhyme, but the physical appearance of the poem didn't strike me as a dance, more like waves...and just like the first time I ever read your work, I tilted my head to the right and smiled. Most poems with shape tend to distract from the content--you have an artful ability to enhance the written word with the visual.

a sculpter...

Unique...up on me.

(Did I make you groan? I certainly HOPE so!)

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