Open Poetry #47 |
Hands in the Dark |
JDH Junior Member
since 2009-03-29
Posts 12Illinois, U.S. |
Holding Hands in the Dark Slouching lazily on the grassy lakeside, I stare out at the peacefully tired water as the last ripples die away like we were never there. I try to reminisce of the days nautical adventures, but my mind is clearly intent on only one thing. She sits beside me like she has been all day. Her olive skin eagerly soaks in the days fading rays. Channeling my mind, the breeze tosses her chocolate hair away from her hazel eyes. Not a word passes our lips, yet stolen glances, nervous giggles, and the magnetic electricity between us paints an awkward and beautiful picture of love desperately aching to become Love. So many times, her hand has has rested in mine, yet I now feel as if I've never touched it... I've never felt it. Like a restless child on Christmas Eve, I wish for the falling day to fall a little faster so I can hold her hand in the dark. This moment is ours and ours alone. This beginning belongs to her and I. Patiently, I await the final gasp of the sky's glaring spotlight. Under a cloak of warm, inviting darkness, our hands begin a short, amazing journey towards each other. Inch by inch we come closer to crashing into the unknown. Our fingers meet with a gentle touch. Our hearts meet with the fever of the blazing sun we left behind. Jeremy Halstead |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
Whew! That's warm even after dark. Very sensuous writing Jeremy. I enjoyed the journey down the page. Welcome to PIP I know you'll enjoy your time spent here. Eric |
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XGarapanX Senior Member
since 2008-06-19
Posts 1435Antarctica |
This is wikid great poetry. The only thing that kind of hurts poetry for me is when folks write subjectively using the "I" word a lot. I try to encourage people to try writing without it unless absolutely necessary to the plot. But really, this is good. Thanks! ·´~`·»Garapan«·´~`· "Look! Crumbs on his jacketses... Heeee took it!" |
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JDH Junior Member
since 2009-03-29
Posts 12Illinois, U.S. |
Garapan, you're right about the overuse of that particular pronoun. Although the limitations on my ability sometimes make it difficult for me to curb that bad habit, this was pretty much just a first person story (perhaps closer to prose than free verse). Still, I probably could have found ways around using it so much...good feedback, thanks. |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
Very lovely romantic poem. Margherita |
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Lori Grosser Rhoden Member Patricius
since 2009-10-10
Posts 10202Fair to middlin' of nowhere |
Romantic stuff ya got goin' there, very nice! Lori |
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faithmairee Senior Member
since 2011-01-05
Posts 1441Poe Haven, USA |
i love the gentle feel of this poem and how romantic it is...often times with long poems my mind begins to wander but you held my attention in this lovely piece...hey, imho nothing beats a great love poem There must be a poem in here somewhere. |
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dgvarner Member Elite
since 2000-05-13
Posts 3552High Springs, Florida |
Fantastic! I love "Love" in the darkness... Somehow darkness makes honesty ever present, doesn't it...? All the honest feelings are able to express themselves without so much fear and hesitation. And I don't feel you used "I" too much... Loved it! g "...Never regret anything that made you smile..." |
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jwesley Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563Spring, Texas |
Good write, my friend, and I find nothing wrong with the use of I. I don't read a piece as an autobiography but as a written work that has to stand on it's wording/phrasing and (for lack of a better word) artistic value. j. |
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ebonygirl Member Elite
since 2011-07-14
Posts 2000California U.S.A |
Enjoyed the intimacy in the dark, Ms. E |
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ThisDiamond Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353Michigan, USA |
Excellent imagery! Enjoyed your poem. |
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JerryPat2 Member Laureate
since 2011-02-06
Posts 16975South Louisiana |
Don't know how I missed this. Love the poem. Love the way you built a setting the reader could readily conceive and appreciate. Very romantic. ~*~ If they give you lined paper, write sideways. ~*~ |
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JDH Junior Member
since 2009-03-29
Posts 12Illinois, U.S. |
Thanks everybody |
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Marchmadness Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271So. El Monte, California |
Welcome to PIP, JDH. Classy romance. Just the way it should be done. Ida |
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