Open Poetry #45 |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738![]() |
I did an inquiry of them-- my words were found heretical, and they ought indeed, be bound, my journeys to be burned at dawn, along with thought those children born of my demonic dalliance that which took up residence: my mind, mine heart, my very skin is forever scarred by sin; this pestilence, I missed the mark condemned to bear the weight (repent!) this language, once so elegant. desecrated by mere whim: The raging beasts that stood within the temple built by sharper pens is but a folly of time spent scratching lines to mark the days in the tower where I played, pretending I was to be wed denying that I'm filled with dread as I await the sun, the stake, two stones shall ignite the blaze ashes chant no eulogy: "serenity" at last. [This message has been edited by serenity blaze (12-19-2009 03:09 AM).] |
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© Copyright 2009 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved | |||
Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams |
I liked this one. Juli -Juju |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thank you Juju, as generous as you are beautiful, perhaps you could help? I find myself faltering in my rhythms (which I no longer pretend to call meter, *ahem*) when I read the following line: "two stones that shall spark the blaze" Any suggestions are welcome and considered. And yep, still too Dr. Seussian for my taste, but I never liked me much anyway. But I do thank you. ![]() |
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divine chaos Senior Member
since 2006-07-09
Posts 617dancing 'neath the moon |
love this, serenity ![]() (you might try "ignite" instead of spark .. it seems to hold the rhythm) |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
thank you...very much. The difference of one, syllable. *hugs* I'll change it. Much appreciate the input. ![]() |
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The Lady Member Rara Avis
since 2005-12-26
Posts 7634The Southwest |
your work always amazes me the workings of your mind trip me up hold me I love this |
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therightside Member
since 2009-12-09
Posts 64USA |
Again, incredible use of words. Have genuinely enjoyed reading your work and look forward to reading more. Perhaps in the line you are discussing, simply remove the word 'that'. Nonetheless, fantastic work. |
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Capricious Member
since 2002-09-14
Posts 89California, USA |
quote: Someone call the textbook writers, this imagery deserves to be TAUGHT instead of just READ... One small nitpick though, you go from "pretending" (past tense) to "I'm filled with dread" (present) which, while it might indeed still be true in the present, is still a bit jarring in the transition. Did I mention I love this? ![]() ~L |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
rightside? I lost the "that" and I think it works much better, and so I thank you much. A heavy topic always seems pretentious to me, though, but I like spitting on my own stave. ![]() and MissL? I would put myself under your tutelage for a year or twelve days...I admire you so, but my hormones are so contricious. ![]() thank you and nodding, Mz. L? I have always had probs with noun/verb agreement, so thanks you. <---SEE? |
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Magnus![]() ![]()
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
You are really quite good at this.... Barry |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
Really impressive stuff, dear Karen! You ignite the grey matter! Love, Margherita ![]() |
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Marchmadness Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271So. El Monte, California |
Your poetry always intrigues me, Karen.I find my thoughts dancing with yours. Ida |
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