»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #45
»
Untitled 10/15/2009
| Open Poetry #45 |
|
Untitled 10/15/2009 |
|
|
young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN 
|
My apologies if this is found to be too offensive for the open forum. "Meet me at 3" she said, it was midnight. I put together some cigarettes and undercover vodka, walked west around the canal until I came to my favorite bench. The water glistened erotically as the moon humped its brains out. I don't know how long the lunar porno lasted, but dawn soon ran the natural lovers away. My phone rang, "Where were you? I waited two hours." She said, sounding tired. "I never promised to be punctual." |
||
| © Copyright 2009 Alex Lewis - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Lori Grosser Rhoden Member Patricius
since 2009-10-10
Posts 10202Fair to middlin' of nowhere |
loved it, loved your kicked back yet edgey as a rail style ~L |
||
|
young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for taking time to comment. |
||
Mysteria 
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
I liked the idea in your poem but instead of using a verb or an adjective, I think you could have made this totally exceptional by using metaphors to replace some of the suggestive words to create the scene. For instance, The water glistened erotically as the moon humped its brains out. I don't know how long the lunar porno lasted, but dawn soon ran the natural lovers away. Water glistening as two entwined now spent Fulfilled moon's need for release. An erotic show that lasted Until dawn ran the lover's away. I am no good at these but I hope you got my idea  Loved the scene but found I stumbled when the story was laid out just a bit to clearly. Sláinte mhaith! Mysteria |
||
|
young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
Thanks mysteria! I appreciate the suggestion. I guess that I was purposely going for abrasive, I didn't want it to seem beautiful. In my mind this person sees this violent display of love making because of the distortion of alcohol. I guess its good that you wanted to make it beautiful, but this hapless character would have none of it!  Thanks again for the suggestions and critique! |
||
|
Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
See? Told ya, what the heck do I know?  That is me, the Rose-colored glasses type for sure. Psst - I would neva wait 2 hours for even Brad Pitt! |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
