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Teen Poetry #9

Look Me In The Eyes

Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member

since 2007-03-23

Posts 620
Space Camp, IN

0 posted 2009-07-07 01:13 PM

its harder to bite your words
than to spill them on the floor
with an appetite like this one
it just leaves you wanting more

so tell me what it means
when i cant eat, or sleep, or drink
your the only thing i see
in the deeper part of me

so look me in the eyes and say im lying
i would die for you if you couldnt tell
id break the sun and catch the sunlight
in a jar up on the shelf

is this the song that makes you tremble
when you hear my voice and listen on
with open ears and a better piece of mind
a lack of feeling all but gone

and now im drowning inside me
trying so hard to grasp for feeling
im struggling to stay afloat
please keep me breathing

~ you cant run from yourself ~

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

1 posted 2009-07-14 04:49 PM

Really love this one. You just keep gettin better and better.

something meaningful
Junior Member

since 2009-07-17

Posts 12
Wisconsin, USA

2 posted 2009-07-24 02:49 PM

i like it alot. i really like the part about drowning in yourself. great job!

~amanda

precious pearls
Member

since 2009-07-24

Posts 110
NJ; United States

3 posted 2009-07-24 09:17 PM

Loved it... it had true emotion in it... it kind of made me tear up a bit, lol
But seriously, EXCELLENT JOB!!!

Always,
Kai (a.k.a. precious pearls)

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

4 posted 2009-08-09 10:55 PM

I really like the symbolism and your descriptions of everything, particularly in the third stanza. Very nice.

~Alli~

Astrophial
New Member

since 2009-08-10

Posts 6

5 posted 2009-08-10 12:38 PM

I really like this, the way it flows, the way it describes, especially here:

"and now im drowning inside me
trying so hard to grasp for feeling
im struggling to stay afloat
please keep me breathing"

The only thing I didn't like was the capitalization problems, I don't know if that is just your style, but it interfered with my reading.

Other than that, it was amazing.

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