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Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

0 posted 2009-06-03 03:56 PM

So sudden even in silence
My senses listen to your beat
Your heart pacing wildly
Fingers touch casting gentle heat

Your lips finding mine
Under the cloak of night
Passion dancing upon our lips
brushing away all worry and fright

Unconditional, weightless
Is all the I feel within my breast
You lie there sleeping; innocence
My arms wrapped around, caressed

love photography Pictures, Images and Photos

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

1 posted 2009-06-04 01:52 AM

Hi Zach,

I think this is lovely. I especially like what I think of when I read the first stanza. Heartbeats can be so peaceful, and so alarming, exciting, at the same time. I am having trouble reconciling myself to the second stanza though. I'm not really sure... i can understand how it works, but i'm not crazy about it. I'm not quite sure why either, it just sounds funny when I read it to myself. Perhaps my own voice inflections are working against me. I do like the third stanza. The last line I'm trying to consider how you meant it. I can see it as your arms wrapped around someone, and their caressed, or your arms are wrapped around, being caressed. Not a big deal, I prefer the first, but I'm feeling ... tired, and rambling.
The point is that I thought this was a lovely picture to imagine, and very beautifully written. Good job.

Stargal-

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

2 posted 2009-06-04 11:21 AM

Thanks Stargal,

This poem was hard for me to write to be honest. I tried to make the bond between the two innocent and pure. It was hard not to go into "further detail" if you know what I mean. Because the would go against guidelines. So to me the poem seems unfinished. But I don't know. I just woke up after staying up til 1am. lol.

-Zach

"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect" - Bob Marley

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

3 posted 2009-06-05 06:28 PM

Remember how you said that the writer always feels like there is something missing, etc...? I think this is one of those cases. I actually liked the poem better for portraying that innocence. I sometimes think people miss what love is really about. Love is not just about passion, love is the little things as well. Love is curling up together watching a movie, getting dressed up and going to dinner, being in each others company. It is holding hands, taking a walk, talking about the silly inconsequential parts of each others day. Of course I have been told I'm a hopeless romantic, and that love is passion, but I think it's a mixture of both... anyway, just a weird thing my hopelessly stressed brain thought I need to bring up, again. I am still having trouble with the second though. When I read it all together I don't like it, but when I read the first and third together as one, I think that you need it. I don't know, something about it is throwing me off track when I read. Then again, it has been a long, long day, and I need to sleep, so I'm probably transposing words, and my voice inflections might not be as intended when I speak.

Good luck, I have had fun reading, and imagining.

Stargal

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

4 posted 2009-06-05 11:44 PM

Hey,

I agree about the second stanza isn't my face at all. I might take it out. Maybe.

You and me both! I'm a hopeless romantic too. lol. I see love as just that. The little things are what count. Today people are only about passion. Sure that's nice to have but when your in a relationship with a person you actually love, then you don't really need it.
Some people don't think as it like me but oh well. I'm fine with it.

-Zach

"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect" - Bob Marley

kindredspirit
Member

since 2009-05-19

Posts 156

5 posted 2009-06-08 04:23 PM

this is absolutely beautiful.

UNTAMEDelegance
Member

since 2009-05-30

Posts 222
Oregon

6 posted 2009-06-09 01:07 AM

This was beautiful. I loved how you used the words in what seemed to me to be a gentle and elegant, yet passionate way. I just have one thing. I don't get what it means when you wrote "Is all the I feel within my breast." Was "the" supposed to be there, or am I going crazy and seeing things?
UNTAMEDelegance

RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member

since 2007-06-11

Posts 1062
In Love <3

7 posted 2009-06-09 09:14 AM

This was beautiful, deffinatly something inspiring and helpful to come back to. Thanks for a great poem.

-Kate

"What are you!?"
"I'm complicated."

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

8 posted 2009-06-09 12:03 PM

Oops! Your right. "The" wasn't suppose to be there. Just another typo. Haha. Thanks for reading.

-Zach

"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect" - Bob Marley

nehematala
Member

since 2009-05-21

Posts 129

9 posted 2009-06-11 02:01 AM

I love this poem.
I love the innocence.

If you don't like something,
Change it...
If you can't change it,
Change the way you think about it

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