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Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

0 posted 2009-04-09 11:11 PM

Your words are painting my skies
Staining raindrops with worthless lies
Every hope dipped in ravens ink
Making me drown as I sink

Gravity pulling me down, grabbing air
Stars leap across the sky as I stare
Jumping, dancing on fiery trails
Sparkling, Crackling as it wails.

Stepping lightly along the milky way
Living within my own fairytale far away
Trapped in visions in my head
As I lie asleep on my bed

Drifting past this starry night
Clock's paused at midnight
Daylight creeping on the edge
As I hang off dreams ledge

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

1 posted 2009-04-09 11:21 PM

"Stepping lightly along the milky way
Living within my own fairytale far away
Trapped in visions in my head
As I lie asleep on my bed "

enjoyed this Zach

freeand2sexy
Senior Member

since 2008-09-12

Posts 704
CA, USA

2 posted 2009-04-09 11:51 PM

I love this, especially the beginning!!!

"I can't see my forehead!" -Patrick

XxForever.BrokenxX
Senior Member

since 2008-01-20

Posts 891
Neverland

3 posted 2009-04-10 12:22 PM

this is amazing. By far my most favoritest that u've ever wrote.
Fantastic write,
Library

{~~*~~}

Emmalee Janelle
{~~*~~}

Just.Another.Falling.Star
Member

since 2008-05-08

Posts 422
Canada

4 posted 2009-04-10 05:22 PM

oh my goodness zach!!! this turned out fabulous! i still find it interesting how it went with the song we were listening to last night, lol.
library by far.

julianna

.:.:~]you clicked your heals and wished for me[~:.:.

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

5 posted 2009-04-10 05:46 PM

Not bad at all Zach

. I'm about to go to bed, I'll try and say a bit more tomorrow.

M

Octave
Member

since 2008-07-29

Posts 186
Highlands, Scotland.

6 posted 2009-04-13 06:01 PM

I like this. It's interesting. You have a lovely way of creating imagery and putting images together in the mind.

"Drifting past this starry night
Clock's paused at midnight
Daylight creeping on the edge
As I hang off dreams ledge"

I quite like this little stanza. Keep up the good work.

Love_Skull
Junior Member

since 2008-07-15

Posts 44

7 posted 2009-04-13 08:43 PM

i love this poem!you are a really good writer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
definitely going into my library!

<3 leah

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

8 posted 2009-04-15 08:25 AM

Hi Zach

Let's take a look at the detail of this.

Your words are painting my skies

>>>Great opening line.  One of the best I've seen from you.  Strong images, good metaphor, original writing.  Bang! straight into the poem.

Staining raindrops with worthless lies

>>>Building on the sky image and metaphor - nice.  "Worthless lies" is a bit overused, even cliche.  Do you really need "worthless"?  Just "lies" would tighten it a lot.

Every hope dipped in ravens ink

>>>"Ravens ink" - maybe you need an apostrophe "Raven's" - the ink of the raven?  But, wow, what a wonderful image.

Making me drown as I sink

>>>This is the weakest line so far.  Your speaker is in water all of a sudden, and there's not much new about drowning in sorrows or sinking.

Gravity pulling me down, grabbing air
Stars leap across the sky as I stare
Jumping, dancing on fiery trails
Sparkling, Crackling as it wails.

>>>You're back to the sky metaphor again with some really lively language.  Lots of nice energetic verbs - exciting writing.

Stepping lightly along the milky way
Living within my own fairytale far away
Trapped in visions in my head
As I lie asleep on my bed

Drifting past this starry night
Clock's paused at midnight
Daylight creeping on the edge
As I hang off dreams ledge

>>>I liked the way you move out into space and the final line was also original and evocative.

Thanks for this Zach.

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

9 posted 2009-04-15 10:57 AM

Thanks for re-reading it through.

Now when I said "ravens ink", I thought it sounded cool 'cause "black ink" just didn't do it for me. When I said "drowning as I sink" I was referring to the ink again. Since ink is a liquid I said "drown". Make's any sense so far?

Hmm. I could revise this poem if you want Moon?

We all flirt with the tiniest notion of self-conclusion in one simple motion.

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

10 posted 2009-04-17 07:23 AM

Sorry Zach, I missed your question. This has got too much that's nice about it to tamper with it I think. Perhaps move on to something new? Tell you what though, same question as I asked Christine: are you reading any poetry by published poets at the moment?

Cheers.

M

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

11 posted 2009-04-17 08:04 AM

I'm reading Romeo and Juliet in my English class at school if that counts.

-Zach

We all flirt with the tiniest notion of self-conclusion in one simple motion.

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

12 posted 2009-04-17 05:21 PM

LOL Zach

Well it's not exactly what I had in mind, but better than nothing I guess! You can't go wrong with William, specially for the mushy love sonnets

But really I was thinking about more modern stuff. Do you, or have you read any modern poetry you like? Or even you don't like?

M

Suncleaver
Member

since 2009-01-18

Posts 481
Stafford England

13 posted 2009-04-17 09:27 PM

I enjoyed this Zach.

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

14 posted 2009-04-18 12:27 PM

I don't really read much modern poetry to be honest. Well besides the stuff posted on Pip, then no.

-Zach

We all flirt with the tiniest notion of self-conclusion in one simple motion.

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

15 posted 2009-04-18 05:07 PM

Hey Zach, I thought I'd get around to making some suggestions to you today, but I ran right out of time. Be back tomorrow.

Cheers for now.

M

GothicCherry
Member

since 2008-09-16

Posts 471
TN

16 posted 2009-04-20 09:07 AM

I greatly enjoyed this!!

It kinda left me at the end, but I'm not sure why....Hmmm....

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

17 posted 2009-04-21 05:22 PM

Not forgotten this Zach, been away all today, brb.

M

Rosie_Orange
Junior Member

since 2009-04-20

Posts 46
South Africa

18 posted 2009-04-22 10:44 AM

i loved it! it was beautiful..

JenniferMaxwell

Member Elite

since 2006-09-14

Posts 2423

19 posted 2009-04-22 11:17 AM

Hi Zach. This is certainly one of your very best, and, as moonbeam mentioned, the opening line is spectacular!

A collection of poems by teen authors that you might enjoy reading is previewed on Amazon. It's called "Paint Me Like I Am". The book is available in many school and public libraries. These are all poems by teens for teens.

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

20 posted 2009-04-22 05:07 PM

Thanks for helping Zach with that recommendation, I was struggling a bit to think of what to suggest Jenn. Is there anything you know of that he can read online?

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

21 posted 2009-04-24 03:41 AM

Zach

Do you like any of these?
www.loc.gov/poetry/180/p180-list.html

M

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

22 posted 2009-04-24 05:54 PM

I like...

The Summer I Was Sixteen (Cause I can relate to it and I thought how they worded was interesting)

Lines (Cause I liked how it was short yet had a hidden message that's different every time you read it.)

I just got inspired by something and I don't have to time to read everything there. But thanks for the website! I'm gonna look at it some more and get some idea's.

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

23 posted 2009-04-26 03:38 AM

Good Zach.

Keep reading. There's lots of resources on the net to find poems. Here's a couple of links to other poems by the poets you liked:
http://famouspoetsandpoems.com/poets/geraldine_connolly/poems
http://www.poets.org/poet.php/prmPID/273

Cheers

Rob

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