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Teen Poetry #9
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Redo of Don't Forget to Remember Me
| Teen Poetry #9 |
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Redo of Don't Forget to Remember Me |
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Kalysta Junior Member
since 2009-04-02
Posts 41Ohio |
Don’t Forget to Remember Me You take a deep breath and turn to leave. A tear forms and falls down my cheek. You see it and wipe it off with your sleeve. I smile weakly and kiss you gently, Knowing that you aren’t coming back. I close my eyes and choke back a sob, The tears streaming out of my eyes. I’m trying to burn a picture of you in my head. You look at me with those brown eyes. All-full of shame. I try not to look into them, but they call me to you. I don’t want you to go but you say you have to. I say you don’t. It seems impossible that a week ago we were just fine. You were loving and affectionate as always. And I was my sweet shy self. Now everything is a mess and you are leaving. You say it’s for the best. I say it’s for the worst. We are two halves of a whole us. Without you I’m a whole broken me. I just pray that you don’t forget to remember me. ~Kalysta~ ~Kalysta~ |
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| © Copyright 2009 Kalysta Kay Kimmel - All Rights Reserved | |||
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XxForever.BrokenxX Senior Member
since 2008-01-20
Posts 891Neverland |
This is good, but i think i like the first one a bit better. Tho i liked how you changed it up at the beginning, the ending seems sloppier than it did on the first version. But I still like it all the same. Good write, {~~*~~} Emmalee Janelle |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
I've read this many, many times, and I have to say, I love it. There is a lot of emotion and I can see it, and feel it. I think this poem is good, but I also think it can be better. Let me first say that I don't think the ending is sloppier than the first version, because it's exactly the same, you didn't change anything in the last stanza. As I read this over and over, I started thinking "Who is this person? Why is he (I'm assuming it’s a he; you can correct me later.) so special, that you are going to remember him, and who you want to remember you?" The only thing I really know about him is that he has brown eyes, but that's it. Maybe you can add a little about who he is, you don't necessarily have to describe how he looks, but as a reader I'm kind of curious as to what kind of person he is. What is he to you and why is he so special? Using imagery might help, too. I really love how you changed the first stanza. The one thing I can't get over, though, is the "aren't" in the last line. I don't think it helps the flow of the poem and to me it didn't seem natural as I read it; I seem to always get stuck there a bit. I think it would be better like this, "Knowing that you're not coming back." As I've already stated, I've read this many times, and I love it. Everything that I just wrote is my opinion and I'm sure there are others that will disagree, so take from it what you want. I really look forward to reading more of your poems. "I can't see my forehead!" -Patrick |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
A lot of useful and well thought out comments there from Christine Kalysta, and I agree with her. M |
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Kalysta Junior Member
since 2009-04-02
Posts 41Ohio |
I really am greatful to the critiques that im getting. And to be honest i know this one could be better, but the truth is that i revised this in my honors biology class when we were supposed to be working on a project that i really did not want to do. And i was kind of in a hurry to do it. lol! So i know it needs to have a bit more work and be developed some more...well alot. I'll make plans to fix it up some more soon. Again thanks so much for the advice. It is much needed. Thanks, ~Kalysta~ ~Kalysta~ |
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