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Teen Poetry #9
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I Never Loved You
| Teen Poetry #9 |
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I Never Loved You |
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Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois 
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the pattern suppose to be 6,6,6,6 Hopelessly I watched you As you packed up your bags Took all of my gifts back Cleaned up all the rags Get out while you can love I'm changing all the locks Love you? I'm sure I did Within your breast a rock Don't think I'll stop you As you barge out the door I'm getting tired of it Here I cry on the floor But tell me when you go Would you turn back to say I never did love you dear Like I did yesterday |
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| © Copyright 2009 Zach Booker-Scott - All Rights Reserved | |||
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GothicCherry Member
since 2008-09-16
Posts 471TN |
I like this poem, but if you are wondering about the syllabic pattern then three lines that I counted don't fit the 6,6,6,6 pattern. I think mainly you've gotten this down. Meter isn't so hard to go by once you learn it. How about giving it a shot? |
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freeand2sexy Senior Member
since 2008-09-12
Posts 704CA, USA |
Hey Zach you did mess up on the pattern, but I think you should give meter a shot, too. Just keep going and don't give up. With God I am happy; sadness has no say in my life. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Not a bad effort. If you’re counting syllables though it becomes a lot easier the more you use, in addition using odd numbers avoids any need to worry about feet and meter. Try nine or seven. With seven even I can write something half approaching a poem. All hope slipped as I watched you packing dreams into a case the treasure of your presence one more thing I can’t replace  |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Lol Go away Grinch! The whole idea is to persuade Zach to try and learn about meter. But on the other hand Zach, if you just want to concentrate on syllabics, Grinch is da man. Go for it. |
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Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
Syllabics sounds more easier then foot and meter to be all honest. Meter it really difficult for me to learn but I understand syllables way better.. Grinch you mind helping me on some of it? Pretty Please?  -Zach When I see your smile, and I know it’s not for me, that’s when I’ll miss you. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Hello Zach, I think Rob is overstating my ability but I’m more than willing to share the little that I do know. The first thing I can tell you is that syllabic poems aren’t any easier to write than those based on meter - they’re just difficult in different ways. It is however generally a lot easier to get over the difficulties of syllabic poetry, all you need to know is what those difficulties are. I’ve already mentioned that line length is important, well I’m going to expand on that, line length is crucial when it comes to writing a good syllabic poem. Getting what you want to say to fit the chosen line length is one of those difficulties I mentioned earlier. You can minimise this a little by extending the number of syllables in each line, as I’ve also already mentioned, but there’s another neat trick you need to know that’ll make it even easier - don’t choose your line length. I know it sounds stupid but try re-writing this stanza: Hopelessly I watched you As you packed up your bags Took all of my gifts back Cleaned up all the rags Only this time don’t count the syllables - if you have 7 in the fist line and 10 in the second that’s fine, I don’t mind if all the lines are completely different - In fact the more different they are the happier I’ll be, but try to keep them no longer than 12 or 13 syllables. Oh! It doesn’t have to rhyme either but if you want it to that’s fine too. Post it here when you’ve finished and I’ll explain that neat trick I mentioned. |
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Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
Uhm Here I go then... "I watched you My face twisted in despair Your clothes layed across the bed A suit case propped open wide" I counted 3,7,7,7.. lol. I didn't do that on purpose. I'm sorta curious on what your trick thing is. lol -Zach When I see your smile, and I know it’s not for me, that’s when I’ll miss you. |
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GothicCherry Member
since 2008-09-16
Posts 471TN |
What exactly are syllabics? |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
It works better with differing line lengths but even one line of differing length will work. Read this: I watched you My face twisted in despair Your clothes laid across the bed A suit case propped open wide I watched you My face twisted in despair Your clothes laid across the bed A suit case propped open wide I watched you My face twisted in despair Your clothes laid across the bed A suit case propped open wide I watched you My face twisted in despair Your clothes laid across the bed A suit case propped open wide Did you get into the rhythm? It you didn’t it doesn’t matter - trust me it’s there - and you can use that to replace the rhythm, pattern and musicality that fixed meter using the standard metrical foot normally injects into a poem. The trick? Write one stanza completly ignoring the syllable count or meter and concentrating only on getting it to convey what you want it to convey. Once you have it as close to perfect as you can get it write the other stanzas to match exactly the syllable count of the first and the rhythm of the repetitive line lengths will carry the poem. Now it starts to get difficult, remember I said it would? First you have two choices, you can either write the second stanza to match the syllable count of the first or you can spend some time tweaking the first stanza. Which way do you want to go Zach? |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
quote: Syllabic poetry concentrates on the number of syllables in each line. You can use the same number for each line or, as I’ve just explained to Zach, different numbers for each line while repeating the same line count pattern in subsequent stanzas. The main element is that they don’t rely on patterns of metrical feet - so syllabic poetry allows you to write structured verse without worrying too much about meter. Hope that helped. |
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Falling rain
since 2008-01-31
Posts 2178Small town, Illinois |
Hmm okay. That doesn't sound to hard for me to do. But I'll have to do some thinking on it. Give me a day to write out a few different stanza's and I'll pick out the ones I like and then judge and see if I want to do some tweaking or move on to the second stanza. Thanks Grinch. -Zach When I see your smile, and I know it’s not for me, that’s when I’ll miss you. |
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Suncleaver Member
since 2009-01-18
Posts 481Stafford England |
A great poem Zach. But like I said earlier, use meter when it works for you but don't get obsessed by it. Never sigh for a better world, it's already composed, played and told. |
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