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Teen Poetry #9
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The Tattoo
| Teen Poetry #9 |
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The Tattoo |
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madelyn Member
since 2009-09-03
Posts 172Purgatory |
Wanna hear something funny? Wanna have a good laugh? Hey, I got a joke That’ll make your ribs hurt and your heart ache A man got a tattoo An intricate design He can’t afford He paid for it in full With the banks money What’s another thousand Added to his debt? Still not laughing? You still don’t find it funny? Oh, don’t worry, The punch lines coming up Inscribed in this Intricate design Are four names His wife’s and His three kids but And here’s the funny bit Here is the bit that made me laugh so hard I cried He actually has five kids! So where did their names go? Oh I see You’re trying to find a spot for them now You’re thinking of adding them now Uh huh sure you want their names on your arm too Yeah, sure You forgot to add them Okay, whatever Sure you didn’t think they’d care No, no I understand Completely Really? You didn’t find the funny? Hysterical? Hilarious? Heart-breaking? Yeah. Well I did But maybe that’s because he hasn’t called me in over six years Seven next month Yeah, maybe it’s because The only reason I know about the other kids Is because of a friend of a friend of a friend Maybe I find this so funny ‘cause it’s not the first time he’s neglected to remember me. But hey, what would I know? I’m only his forgotten child. My pen is the barrel of a gun. Remind me which side you should be on. |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
your words are touching me today~~  M |
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rachel_anubis Junior Member
since 2011-03-24
Posts 43 |
Touching |
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jwesley Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563Spring, Texas |
Another easy and topical read, my friend. My dad left when I was two...sixty-six years ago - never, ever, called... we go on . . . j. |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Tattooed the name of his wife and his three kids. Got it. Had five kids? Got it. You're the left out kid? Don't get it. Three and one don't make five; they make four. Who are you leaving out in the middle of your hurt, and why? Got it that the old man is a real piece of work with serious loyalty problems and really serious memory problems and really really serious problems understanding his obligations to others because he comes first ahead of children, prior family obligations, what feels good, resentments and banks, if your poem is any indication. If you choose to revise, and this poem is good enough as is, so you don't really have to, you may want to tackle the things that may come up in some readers' minds as a result of your method of tackling this version, which, as I say, is more than good enough: Who is this other kid? What is the writer's relationship with this other kid, or does this other kid even exist for the writer? If not, then some subtraction might be called for in the original text to keep the focus purely on the rage and resentment that the writer feels for the dork of a dad. Why split the reader's attention, really? The nature of a lyric is such that it helps to keep the reader focused on a single thing, and your poem would be improved by helping your readers keep that focus. Yes, it's clear you worked hard and the work is paying you back. I would hope that other people like it; there's a lot to like about it. Sincerely, Bob Kaven |
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voice2bheard Senior Member
since 2007-10-19
Posts 591New York |
I can relate to this poem very deeply, having gone through it with my mother, thought that she was neglecting me, when really it was my dad who didnt want anything to with me or my sisters and I still ive with him, it hurts and its horrible the wort than any child shuld have to go through! Kate_Mcfee (Lily's Mom) |
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Bluesy Socrateaser Member Elite
since 2002-11-07
Posts 2417In The Mirror |
No tattoo, no calculator, no problem. You're here. Don't perpetuate the mistakes. Live respectfully well. ...just bein' Bluesy |
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