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Teen Poetry #9

The One That Got Away.

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

0 posted 2009-02-05 10:30 AM

railroad tracks Pictures, Images and Photos

Love is bliss
What more can I say?
You filled my world with light
Made dark nights bright as day

Your words a lullaby
You always took my breath away
Never ceased to amaze
You always found a way

What made us split?
I'll never know
I just hold onto these photo's
Still loving you so

I'm a sucker for the blue eyed girls
Long legs with a spring in her stride
A down to earth kind of girl
Pearly whites showed when she smiled wide

A sweetness in her touch
A reminder of how much she cared
Spending nights under the stars
Soft secrets we shared

Those nights are nothing more then memories
That will never go astray
You were once my lover, my friend
Now your just the girl that got away

Octave
Member

since 2008-07-29

Posts 186
Highlands, Scotland.

1 posted 2009-02-05 03:14 PM

I really like this. very sweet, and you ahve some lovely images in it.

My only crits would be, your rythm [sorry about spelling] is off in places. You could do with a few extra words here and there. Read it out loud. it should flow smoothly and fluently with no stops and starts. This will help you find the weaker spots of the poem, and theny ou can add/remove certain words. The picture goes nicely with this as well.

Nicely done though. Keep it up. (:

Falling rain

Member Elite

since 2008-01-31

Posts 2178
Small town, Illinois

2 posted 2009-02-08 10:01 AM

Thanks. I'll try and see if I can find anything.

-Zach

When I see your smile, and I know it’s not for me, that’s when I’ll miss you.

Clockwork_Orange
Senior Member

since 2007-03-23

Posts 620
Space Camp, IN

3 posted 2009-02-08 12:02 PM

very nice. i like it. yes i do agree. rhythm is slightly off but not too much. its really good.

~ you cant run from yourself ~

rebelangelv
Senior Member

since 2007-05-28

Posts 538
usa

4 posted 2009-02-08 02:50 PM

awww i liked it .

it was cute.
good job !

only a vampire can love you forever.
forbidden to remember, terrified to forget

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