untitled/ and need a title

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maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

0 posted 2012-08-31 08:03 PM

This is not finished yet i just want opinions on this piece and let me know if it sounds like a poem than the story mode. And i guess that's it please take the time to read this and let me know this is just a rough draft once its finished I will make it better. so please let me know and thanks

Anxious for the first day

I can't sleep.
I'm nervous.
I'm apprehensive.
my heart is palpitating.
In my mind I'm thinking.....
Will I be able to make friends?
will I like it here?
what are my teachers like?
My mind is just.....all jumbled up!

My 1st day

i wake up
change my clothes
and get on the bus
finally I reached the school
within 10 minutes
the bell rang
ding ding ding

My first period

I reached my class
Just in time
I sat down on my seat
And started looking around
The spacious room
With my perky eyes
Just wondering.....wondering away
Until i see my teacher

When I saw him

I never expected my teacher
to be
Young
Handsome
and muscular.-
His facial features
especially his
icy blue eyes
that make me feel as if
my soul is being pierced through

byski
Member

since 2006-01-26

Posts 235
Alberta, Canada

1 posted 2012-09-18 04:31 AM

How about palpitation because that is an awesome word!

I think it is great, wouldn't change a thing. But if you want some critique, maybe make the stanzas into shapes somehow. Something like center it and make it look like a broken heart or something. I think it would work well for your style.

maddorani
Member

since 2007-11-18

Posts 423
houston,tx

2 posted 2012-09-18 02:34 PM

like i said i just wrote this randomly thank u but not finished i was thinking of using palpitation but i don think it was going to fit hehe let's see because shapes are hard to write esp in a notebook and on microsoft word

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

3 posted 2013-03-12 10:42 PM

Enjoyed reading this...I suggest for a title "Beyond Expectations"...James

david3
Junior Member

since 2013-03-02

Posts 15
ohio

4 posted 2013-03-17 08:43 PM

this is interesting but I believe you've mixed your tenses. from I wake up and I change my clothes to I reached my school. Past and present tenses together. I enjoyed reading this and lok forward to the final draft.

maddorani1991
Junior Member

since 2013-03-21

Posts 20

5 posted 2013-03-21 06:48 PM

hey this is me maddorani. And thanks for giving me tips i appreciate your comments. But I don think I will be finishing this one. you should check my old poems and i will be writing new ones shortly.

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