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| Dark Poetry #5 |
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Secrets |
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prize Member
since 2008-11-21
Posts 116 |
Above these heavy eyes, There lies a place where Darkness evades the light. Hold up a candle, flooding With hot pellets – searing Skin burns with each drop. How long can one stand Each painful drip? Each Eyeful of what lies within? Throbbing pain befalls With steadiness as the eyes Swell with the hurt they see. The candle dims, falling wax Wanes, as the light fades away And secrets vanish ephemerally. |
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| © Copyright 2008 prize - All Rights Reserved | |||
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
"Above these heavy eyes, There lies a place where Darkness evades the light." Awesome opening lines! |
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prize Member
since 2008-11-21
Posts 116 |
Thanks, as always, Jennifer. It is a pleasure to hear good feedback coming from you! P |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
I assume that the candle here has a double meaning, in that it is used in the visual sense as a kind of torturing device while the falling wax is intended to signify crying? In any case, I think you might like to make the poem a bit clearer. Also, the use of the word befall isn't appropriate here: "Throbbing pain befalls With steadiness as the eyes Swell with the hurt they see." This stanza, however, was well-written: "The candle dims, falling wax Wanes, as the light fades away And secrets vanish ephemerally." You have some skill in squeezing more than one meaning from a word or image. Life's short. Think hard! |
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