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Dark Poetry #5

Secrets

prize
Member

since 2008-11-21

Posts 116

0 posted 2008-12-29 04:02 PM

Above these heavy eyes,
There lies a place where
Darkness evades the light.

Hold up a candle, flooding
With hot pellets – searing
Skin burns with each drop.

How long can one stand
Each painful drip? Each
Eyeful of what lies within?

Throbbing pain befalls
With steadiness as the eyes
Swell with the hurt they see.

The candle dims, falling wax
Wanes, as the light fades away
And secrets vanish ephemerally.

JenniferMaxwell

Member Elite

since 2006-09-14

Posts 2423

1 posted 2008-12-29 04:21 PM

"Above these heavy eyes,
There lies a place where
Darkness evades the light."

Awesome opening lines!

prize
Member

since 2008-11-21

Posts 116

2 posted 2008-12-30 09:40 AM

Thanks, as always, Jennifer. It is a pleasure to hear good feedback coming from you!

P

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

3 posted 2009-01-01 09:37 PM

I assume that the candle here has a double meaning, in that it is used in the visual sense as a kind of torturing device while the falling wax is intended to signify crying? In any case, I think you might like to make the poem a bit clearer. Also, the use of the word befall isn't appropriate here:

"Throbbing pain befalls
With steadiness as the eyes
Swell with the hurt they see."

This stanza, however, was well-written:
"The candle dims, falling wax
Wanes, as the light fades away
And secrets vanish ephemerally."

You have some skill in squeezing more than one meaning from a word or image.

Life's short. Think hard!
Me!

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