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Dark Poetry #5
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Uncomprehensable Art
| Dark Poetry #5 |
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Uncomprehensable Art |
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LaGraceLa Member
since 2011-01-30
Posts 243Minnesota, USA |
The art of opening a hand I have never been able to understand. Mine-- They are clenched. Skin streched tight & white over strained knuckles. Bitten down & raw, my fingernails carve little curves into my palms. Tendons flex; pale & thin skin rises up & twitch. In my hand the black pen is caught and forced to wring out these words in hopes that maybe-- just maybe-- when I get the words out my hand will understand and relax. |
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LaGraceLa Member
since 2011-01-30
Posts 243Minnesota, USA |
I would just like to mention that the title is purposely misspelled. I realized after posting that it just seemed like bad spelling and I became quite embarrassed, so I just would like to say that it was intentionally horribly spelled. |
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baskingshark0o0o0o New Member
since 2011-04-08
Posts 1 |
wow i think its really inspiring and different! keep writing XP |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear LaGraceLa, I find this an interesting draft. Run a spellcheck program. I know you say that you misspelled the title on purpose. Doing this on the first word that your reader sees does offer your reader anything sure to understand your efforts by except a mistake. He or she has no way of understanding what you are trying to do because this is, after all, the first word, and most readers when they read poems are actually looking for ways to stop reading. This probably goes double for editors, who read large amounts of poetry every day, and understand that most of it is bad. Don’t give them a chance to dismiss you this early in your poem; you need their goodwill. It’s better not to make spelling errors at all if you can, and errors in agreement either. “[T]witch” in line 12 should, I believe, be ‘twitches.” Some folks like to write all over the page. Some folks like to left justify their lines. I am, I confess, a left justifier. There are lots of very fine poets who aren’t, but I do like to ask what somebody’s reasoning is for where they begin a line. For me, if I begin a line someplace other than at the left margin, it’s usually because it has a different number of syllables than another line. My 11 syllable lines will tend to start in one place and my seven syllable lines with start in a somewhat indented place; and the 11 and seven syllable lines that follow will line up. Do you have any thoughts like this, or not? Not that you have to; I’m simply trying to get you thinking a bit about your practice. I generally like to use words in a natural order. I notice that your first two lines are in a sort of reversed order. I like it your way, but why not, I’ve never understood the art of opening a hand. Should you have run your spell check program, you would have found the spelling problem with “streched.” As you get older, you’ll find that spell-check doesn’t cover all your words, and that you’ll still end up with problems. It’s a sort of a graduation issue. You never get over problems, you only manage to find new and more embarrassing ones. You will find when you shift into your second stanza that you’ve shifted into passive mode. Avoid passive mode whenever you can. It vampires the life out of your writing by taking the sense of center out of it. Here: In my hand the black pen is caught and forced to wring out these words Who or what catches the black pen? What forces it to wring out words? You see, there’s nobody home to take responsibility for running the actual show. In a poem, somebody always needs to be home or boredom swiftly bowls the reader over and removes him from the field of the poem. Boredom ejects the reader from the poem. I force the black Bic stick pen between my fingers to write down these right words in the hope that These are not your words, but they are words in the active mode. There is somebody home here in this example, and I’ve made a point about the way details can make a poem perk up its head a bit and make the reader pay attention just a bit more. I am also trying to toss in a bit of word play. And because I wanted a bit of a stronger ending, I tried one out. I don’t know that it’s better than yours, but I’m trying to find something a bit more active and energetic. I don’t expect myself to get it easily, but it’s have to emerge from several more attempts at revision along the lines that I was talking about. when I get these words right in the right way the cramps in my hand will loosen, once they understand. What I find surprising is how good this draft is and how much talent I see here. You should really be spending time on your writing and having fun with it. You might also be spending time reading modern poetry to see if there’s stuff there that you find yourself particularly drawn to. Thanks a lot for letting me have a look at this and keep going. I’m treating this as a decent piece worth serious feedback, and that’s what I gave you. All my best, Bob Kaven |
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LaGraceLa Member
since 2011-01-30
Posts 243Minnesota, USA |
Thank you very much, I really appreciate your advice. It means a lot that you took all that time to give me ideas. The only thing is that I write what and how it comes. I have a strong hatred of changing the words to my poems because I write them down as I feel. When I change it, I feel like I am betraying that emotion that was inside of me. I have absolutely no idea if that makes any sence at all, I honestly think I've just been able to convince you that I'm completely insane. I love poetry, but I have never understood the need for a certain amounts of cyllables or anything like that. And I mean absolutely no offense, I think that I'm just not that serious of a poet. I write down words, like this poem says, in a vain hope that it may possibly make things better or easier. Again, thank you for commenting, I really do appreciate it, it is just that I'm not that serious and am more concerned about words that help than words that sound perfect. And again, I do not know if any of this makes sence. I think I'm just rambling now, but thank you and I appreciate your advice. |
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