Am I?

Am I still clean?
Not to the NA team.
Something I didn’t mean...
The choice I made is not what it seems.
 
After three years,
I’ve wiped the tears,
And moved up stairs,
Into my sacred career.
 
An innocent business trip.
No intentions to slip.
Poured by the boss, drip by drip,
Forced to take the dreaded sip.
 
Yes, did I, try to deny,
The toxic glass, and the possible high.
But to keep my job, up in the sky,
I risked it ALL for this reason ‘why’...
 
Ready to leave, tired of the 'socialize'
Until she said ‘NOT ‘til your glass is dry'-
No escape as I held back my sigh
I had to do as told, this I realized
 
Was I weak?
Why wasn’t I able to speak?
About my addiction and how I'm a freak,
I couldn’t – THIS they don’t know and cannot think...
 
Ironically strong?
I had to go along,

So I didn’t appear like I didn’t belong,
Even though I knew it was soulfully wrong.
 
Now I think about it just hours ago.
It is done and I have to let it go.
I did not enjoy it, it was all for show.
I’m crazy inside, and they cannot know.
 
Did I lose 2 years, 9 months?
NA tells us ‘alcohol IS a drug’...
... ‘one is too many, 1000 never enough’-
But I truly don’t want any more of that stuff.
 
Am I trying to rationalize?
Am I telling myself a sh*tload of lies?
I had to wear the ‘normal’ disguise
I had to make that choice to my own demise...

I hate that I'm different alone in my own skin,
I'll face more challenges and be forced to give in,
To the gorilla of addiction, my personal sin-
I'll pray to be strong and not let it win...

First, sorry to my bff, but I had to get this out. I did what I had to do and I'm staying with my clean date - It was just a very hard situation...don't think it is a great poem at all but I had to write about it b/c it is seriously affecting me...