Eye of a Needle (Concerning the Artist, Snake, and Wasp)

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Open Poetry #43

Eye of a Needle (Concerning the Artist, Snake, and Wasp)

Ri
Member

since 2008-02-01

Posts 67
Blackburn, England

0 posted 2008-07-28 09:36 AM

In the eye of a needle greatness lies
and a thread of luck can easily snap
even when pushed through, the knot never ties
but I will try my best to suit that gap

I’m threading my way to fixing my life
until the thread transforms into a snake
biting at my fingers with troubles rife
what kind of canvas can this artist make?

The snake wraps around my chest and smirks up;
does it stitch the pain or asphyxiate?
Whilst the artist cleans his brush in a cup
on the luring cobra’s glare I fixate

The needles sting hides it’s black, yellow stripes
yet I see past its promising façade
of small chance of great prospects that it hypes
that if false would leave me stung, flawed, and scarred

So do I, the snake and the wasp befriend
and thread my way to a canvas success
or do I avoid it’s sharp painful end
and find a new blank canvas to possess?

Within the eye of a needle lies fear
and a thread of luck can easily bite
the stinging of my mind shows it is clear;
embracing success is painfully right

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

1 posted 2008-07-28 12:36 PM

I enjoyed this very much, but feel the whole write would improve if you stayed consistent with the needle/thread/ metaphor. You jump to paintbrush/canvas, which has great art metaphor possibilities, but somehow, I think this would be more powerful if it progressed to a tapestry or quilt visual. But I really enjoyed it overall, and hope to read more from you.

Ri
Member

since 2008-02-01

Posts 67
Blackburn, England

2 posted 2008-07-28 01:17 PM

thanks for the constructive comment there, i hadn't really considered that
It just shows it can be useful sharing your poetry on here =)

BluesSerenade
Member Patricius

since 2001-10-23

Posts 10549
By the Seaside

3 posted 2008-08-02 11:50 PM

I liked the whole thread/needle metaphor also, it has so much potential.
Nevertheless, you did a fine job working your poetic canvas.

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