An Ancient House (revisited & extended)

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Marc-Andre
Senior Member

since 2008-12-07

Posts 501

0 posted 2008-12-13 11:51 AM

A drear estate shunned by its heir
Of which I had become bailor
Reposed on rough Atlantic shore;
Here I recount what I saw there.

On desolate, eroded coast,
It lay behind a grove of birch
And willow trees, next to a church
Reputed haunted by a ghost.

Ajar the iron gate, a chain
Forbade the odd trespasser’s way;
I had assist, an old abbe
Who answered to the name of Cain.

Inexorable, austere brick walls
Invest an ancient house and lawn:
There I, a spectral brood at dawn
Saw ebb, awashed by sea, and squalls.

Old Cain confirmed that I’d just seen
With couth, approving icy smile;
He left me there alone defile
The grounds of one revered boreen.

No sound was to be heard. Then snow
Revealed iced sacred tears of blood
A desecrated pure young bud,
Truncated not so long ago.

A shadow loomed above the land
And then the air was filled with screams
As Cain’s flesh fed four wolverines -
He had a dagger in his hand.

I ran away, a clearing reached
When eerie sounds came on to me
Benumbing me, all cap-a-pie
As dying Cain a last time screeched.

………

The iron gate has been well barred.
The ancient walls still stand today,
The spectral brood still comes to play
As wolverines keep guard.

[This message has been edited by Marc-Andre (12-14-2008 12:45 AM).]

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

1 posted 2008-12-13 01:59 PM

YOu weave a good story. I would say that that the house "lay" behind a grove. I like that you keep re-writing. That's hard for me to do. Anyway, enjoyed and I look forward to more of your poems.

Alison

Marc-Andre
Senior Member

since 2008-12-07

Posts 501

2 posted 2008-12-13 07:55 PM

Many thanks for reading, Alison. And thanks for the correction too. Indeed, re-writing is at times a painful exercise, as one imperfection leads but to another. It's more about process as it is about product, at least for me at this stage. Perhaps one day I'll deserve the coveted title of 'poet.' Until then, I'll keep learning the craft and the art of poetry; and even then, I'll just find that I've got more to learn

Have a wonderful day! Mark

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

3 posted 2008-12-14 12:00 PM

Well done, Marc-Andre. You weave a good tale..

There are only a couple of things I have a problem with

(1) first line: I believe the word should be "shunned"

(2) bailor is pronounced BAI-lor, with the accent on the first syllable. That makes it an invalid rhyme the way you use it.

(3) Your last line is only 6 syllables, whereas the last lines of all other stanzas are 8 syllables.

Other than that, a very nice piece of work.

Marc-Andre
Senior Member

since 2008-12-07

Posts 501

4 posted 2008-12-14 12:52 PM

Many thanks for your input, Balladeer.

1) I stand corrected, and I've edited the first line accordingly;

2) The "word" bailor can be pronounced with the accent either on the first or on the second syllable: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/bailor ;

3) Indeed, I've ended the last stanza with a trimeter. My poor attempt at playing with truncated effects...

Your critique is sincerely appreciated, and I look forward to reading your next one

Mark

2islander2
Member Ascendant

since 2008-03-12

Posts 6825
by the sea

5 posted 2008-12-14 05:05 AM

I would like to have a look on this house; very enjoyable read

yann

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

6 posted 2008-12-14 11:41 PM

Aha...I stand corrected on bailor. For those who would put the accent on the second syllable, it works well.

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