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An Ancient House was to Strangers Sold
| Open Poetry #43 |
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An Ancient House was to Strangers Sold |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
T’was on a wintry dawn: dark, drear and cold. An ancient house was to strangers sold; And there no more shall ghostly children play: Such souvenirs must be kept at bay. I am still working on it, here's a retouched version as per comments below. Dusk is wintry, drear and cold; An estate’s to strangers sold. Hence no ghostly brood shall play: Souvenirs must waft at bay. [This message has been edited by Marc-Andre (12-12-2008 11:49 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2008 Marc-Andre Germain - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Inspired by Alison's "Estate Sale," thought I would share  Thanks for reading, and have a marvelous day. Mark |
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steavenr Member Elite
since 2003-11-17
Posts 4058 |
I like the idea of 'ghosts' being those souvenirs who come along with the house as children...nice |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
I like the concept, Marc. I will offer a critique because you ask for it and also because I know you are serious about poetry and will take it in the spirit in which it is offered. I would tighten it up a bit. Too many areas where the words kill the meter of the lines, I would go somewhere along these lines....... On a wintry dawn; dark, drear and cold An old house was to strangers sold. No more shall ghostly children play; Such visions must be kept at bay. Feel free to accept or ignore any of my suggestions. You are a talented writer that shows a lot of promise. |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Many thanks again for your input and feedback, Balladeer. This is greatly appreciated. I wanted to play a bit with truncated lines, but looking back at my lines, I guess it just won't look good after trochaic substitutions; it indeed killed the meter. This is where your feedback is so valuable: it shakes me out of 'laziness' and pushes me to have another look. I like the tightening up to tetrameters, which seem to serve the subject better. Also, there are four adjctives in the first line. Do you think that is too much? Many thanks for your time and encouragement. I'm glad I came to this forum, where I can learn and grow. Have a wonderful day Mark |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
Good advice from Michael but the picture is there and it evokes images.....Good write! Eric |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Thanks for reading and your encouragement, Eric. I just reworked it a bit, changing the line beats to trochees. It might need a retcouch or two, but I feel it's getting there... Here's what it looks like, I'd love to hear what you think, e.g. whereas trochaic lines have enhanced or diminished the poem. Once more, many thanks for reading and welcome feedbacks. MarkDusk is wintry, drear and cold; An estate’s to strangers sold. Hence no ghostly brood shall play: Souvenirs must waft at bay. |
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ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
You must have changed it in both places....?? Eric |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
I've merely added the retouched one in my first post for ready comparison, the original one is still there. What do you think of the newer version? |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Very good, Marc-andre, all except for the second line, which starts anipestic, instead of trochaic. The "An" kills it. Need to come up with a different beginning of line. Estate doesn't make it because you are taking away the image of it being an old, empty house. I would suggest "Ancient house to strangers sold" which cures both problems. |
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LngJhnAg Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion |
lemme see: T’was on a wintry dawn: dark, drear and cold. An ancient house was to strangers sold; And there no more shall ghostly children play: Such souvenirs must be kept at bay. 'Deer's coments are to the mark, Marc. He's a good tight writer who knows meter very well (he should, considering the number of outstanding parking tickets he has - lol). Anyway, back to the topic I tend to write like I speak, so making the verb the last word in a line always strikes a discordant note for me. I know it's poetic license, but, I'm no poet! From your poem, it appears you are saying that ghosts only occupy the home when it does not change hands. That may seem ominous for the original owners, but not for the future buyer, who could be any one of us at any house, instead of just those who own the haunted houses now. Hense, shifting the focus to all of us poor schmucks who are thinking of buying a house could deepen the poem's darker side. The dawn: wintry, dark, drear and cold; Wrapped the ancient estate to strangers sold. The ghostly brood, children in their play, Marked new souls to be held at bay. I think I just changed your focus. Lemme go back and read some more. I like the way you write Marc - you are one deep dude. |
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WTBAKELAR
since 2008-09-09
Posts 1089Utah, USA |
Try "Haunted House" or "Crumbling House" "Lonely House" Also Try "Wintry broke the dawn" I hope to see more of the poem. Tell us a story. Good luck, Welcome to PIP. WT. |
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Vestibular Bard Member
since 2008-12-11
Posts 284New York |
T’was a wintry day: dark, drear and cold; Our haunted house, to strangers sold. Now friendly ghosts, no longer play. These shared illusions, have had their day. A great idea for a poem Marc, Thee changes I made above, besides the obvious structural ones include: Houses rarely sell at 'dawn'...the time of day is superfluous and distracting. It is much more a story about a ‘haunted’ house than an ‘ancient’ house. The age of the children who played in and around the haunted house, is more important to convey then the age of the ghosts themselves...ghosts are rarely thought of as; 'children' I just made the ghosts ‘friendly’ in that setting. The last line is an attempt to end with a strong feeling of the loss of that childhood fantasy playground, that ended with the sale. [This message has been edited by Vestibular Bard (12-12-2008 09:01 PM).] |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Thanks everyone for your input, it's appreciated Mark |
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