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Open Poetry #43
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bedtime story
| Open Poetry #43 |
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bedtime story |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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Squealing brakes and whining wheels scream to me too late confirmed by the thud-quick-following - those chimes of broken glass are mean-- melodiously tinkling-- I wonder if there's blood. Silences are ominous. Seconds have longevity. I wait in darkness for the sound - a siren's implication of hopeful happy endings as the clock demands I sleep: at once! while summoning the ghosts. |
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| © Copyright 2008 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Marchmadness Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271So. El Monte, California |
We lived on the highway into Salem (Oregon) when I was little and I saw many terrible accidents. That's an awful feeling in the pit of your stomach while you wait to see if anyone survived. You write so well about these life experiences. Ida |
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Yo dear Serenity blaze, This poem is very well done. It brings back many memories of accidents involving automobiles. I feel fortunate that I don't have to drive much anymore. Love Bobby |
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Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
SB, Your story lingers - most well written. A |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Hmmm... I thank you all very kindly, but I've been looking at this and I think I could do some editing? Here, like so: Squealing brakes and whining wheels scream to me too late confirmed by the thud-quick-following - those chimes of broken glass are mean-- melodiously tinkling-- I wonder if there's blood. Silences are ominous. Seconds have longevity. I wait in darkness for the sound - a siren's implication of hopeful happy endings as the clock demands I sleep." * * * I think that's better. I'm not sure why, but it just feels better to me. whaddya'll think?  |
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Roniece Dawson-Bruce Member Ascendant
since 2000-01-29
Posts 5689Sydney, Australia |
well I like both versions lovely Karen... so you can't make me choose ok! wonderful gifting here my friend.. love and hugs RDB xxBe kind at heart....for everyone you meet has their own battle to fight......... |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
I like the edited version best.  |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Roniece--hugs for your diplomatic generosity!  and oh my, Kacy, you do "get" my little layered scribblings. It's good to see your smiling face today. Love you, my tough stuff sis!  |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
"while summoning the ghosts" Well, I liked that sentence but that is because I personalized it. With that said, I did like the new version better but honestly can't say why... love you."too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
smile... there's my beauty queen. All Hail Ghostbusters!  |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
Karen, I prefer the second version without the "to me" and the "at once" and the emboldened "mean", but, like Susan, I like the line about the ghosts. All of the above (except the ghosts) seemed a little redundant to me. Your poem reminded me of one I have probably posted here (a long time ago) called Theatre. I will repost it. - Owl |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thank you Diana, and I agree about the redundancy of "to me", the italics were used in place of quotes in the first version though...so now I'm wrinkling my nose at the entire thing, since I'm not sure how to indicate how that sound translates into the thought, "too late"--to me. I'd prolly do better to rework the whole thing though. And I'm delighted to work in Open just as I would in Critical Analysis, so any further suggestions are more than welcome. Love you lady--and thank you for taking your time with me. |
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Artic Wind Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080Realm of Supernatural |
OUU!! Karen, I really enjoyed this one ~ Good Night LOL **giggles** ARCTIC WIND |
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
My pleasure, Karen - what about "inwardly" or something similar instead of "to me"? - Owl |
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americangothic Junior Member
since 2008-11-11
Posts 45 |
nothing quite so awful sounding as a bad wreck..your piece had a somber tone that I liked |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Hey Karen, I preferred the second write too. I am saving this poem. Alison |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
Edited version. *S* That line about summoning ghosts deserves its own poem. *S* hint hint |
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steavenr Member Elite
since 2003-11-17
Posts 4058 |
I like your second version best, too. Either one brings up reminders of horrific events...an excellent feature of good writing...as others have said, this one is a keeper... |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
When one edits good stuff, then the reader really has to listen. I listened. Yes.  |
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Oklahoma Rose Senior Member
since 2008-02-28
Posts 1586Oklahoma USA |
I think I like the second version best, also. But, you always write well. |
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