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unlimited childhood
| Open Poetry #43 |
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unlimited childhood |
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2islander2 Member Ascendant
since 2008-03-12
Posts 6825by the sea |
Unlimited childhood, gilded by the analogies the views of oceans…. Your movements are predictable but your imagination is not … the ground flows under the impatience of your feet…. God informs your parents then you inform God…. The air which which dances amazes indefatigably your lungs….. You would so much like reaching the moon in eyes. Unlimited Childhood, what misses you becomes required some day…. [This message has been edited by 2islander2 (09-24-2008 12:38 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2008 yann rolland - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Yo 2islander2, Childhood is a horror for all. Thank heaverns it doesn't last too long. Children are limited to one of two roles, your either a slave, or a toy. Of course you can hit the jackpot, and be both. Bobby [This message has been edited by Robert E. Jordan (09-23-2008 10:03 PM).] |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
I have read it a few times, dear Yann, I love it and I love the thoughts that you express. Childhood is so extremely important in our lives ... "unless you become like a child ..." it can mean so many things! Total trust, unadulterated joy, unconditional love ... faculties we have as children and often lose. Just my interpretation. Love, Margherita "Love is the One who masters all things; |
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steavenr Member Elite
since 2003-11-17
Posts 4058 |
loved it all but especially intrigued by the ending: "Unlimited Childhood, what misses you becomes required some day…." |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Yann, Happy to see you again. Happy to see your work. I think you are right about Unlimited Childhood as the title. I don't think it works as the first line. "Gilded by the ocean" is enormously difficult for me at least to make visual. Gilding is a process of application of foil of airy thinness to a carefully prepared surface; gilding and oceans don't mix in my imagination. "[O]cean/of the analogies...." by its escape into abstraction keeps the whole process not mysterious, as I think you would wish, but blank. This is my famous test of Bob's Brain. When Bob's brain short circuits trying to see an image, the image doesn't work. It is mostly infallible for Bobs the world over. "Heart" is one of those words like "mind" and "soul" that is more a word for songs than poems, I believe. Many of my more sentimental friends will want to kill me for saying this, but yet my belief remains unshaken. It lacks a secure referent. It also means that by using the word you may be taking the easy way out. There may be some wildly creative, bizarre or ordinary but specific word that will touch exactly the thing you are reaching for or, even better, create a shock of surprise and recognition you had not expected. When you chose "heart," your search ended. Now it need not. "Feet?" Yes, your feet may be impatient. So may one's sofas or pocket watches or exploding grandmothers. The insults of one's ancestors, the typewriters of barbarians, the cantaloups of the ill intentioned, the snails of the train conductors, the stationary of politicians, the unused insults of comedians. There is no reason to get lazy, Yann, simply because you're good. These details should feel like a surprise to you every time you see them, when you get them right. I know you can do that. Perhaps "indefatigably amazes," unless you're looking for more of a French diction. The ending is interesting. There is an issue about method. There is a theory I believe, probably mistakenly, you are trying to get across to conclude your poem. That theory is, roughly, "The unlimited childhood that you found unbearable in your youth is what you will require for your survival as a person in your adulthood." There is a choice your strategy offers you. You may state it directly, as best as possible. You may change the thesis to something else entirely, and supply surprise and delight for the reader if your pick and approach are correct. Or you may supply supply delight and surprise to your reader by stating the thesis in a surreal fashion. It appears you have gone for more of the first. If you do so, it may suit you to sharpen up the sense of epigram in the tercet. I would suggest a private experiment with seeing what you might be able to do with a surreal image that attempts to compress the thesis in a more visual way. This is of course a more personal preference, and it may not be useful for you. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see your stuff here. Even without any of the changes I'm talking about, I find the poem completely charming, as I do almost all your work. All my best, Bob Kaven Unlimited Childhood, what misses you becomes required some day…. |
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2islander2 Member Ascendant
since 2008-03-12
Posts 6825by the sea |
Thank you Bobby, this poem is an opened window in which the reader can navigate with freedom....Yes you're right childhood can be disuasive of the human world, but children have tremendous resources and imagination.... regards yann |
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2islander2 Member Ascendant
since 2008-03-12
Posts 6825by the sea |
Margherita, I'm glad you find other meanings in the poem, it means the poem works for you too...I so appreciate your comment... hug yann |
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2islander2 Member Ascendant
since 2008-03-12
Posts 6825by the sea |
Hi steavenr , I am glad you post a comment and appreciate the last verses that give meaning to the poem...There is some abstraction here... best wishes yann |
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2islander2 Member Ascendant
since 2008-03-12
Posts 6825by the sea |
Hello Bob, I made some paintings when I was young and doing that it seemed to me it was very difficult to stop the painting, to not add a brushing, change a color, in fact to be satisfied...I really don't work my poems because I have not by myself the cleverness to see what I can improve, I just do it in one stroke...When you make me think about things, I understand (or not) what you say and all I can do is to be grateful...Reading your comments is always an honor for me....Thank you yann |
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