The Pain In Her Eyes - pipTalk Forums

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MexicanLover13
New Member

since 2008-08-26

Posts 8

0 posted 2008-09-04 11:48 AM

Crying loudly,Pushing tears at night
Wondering when this pain will stop
Abuse and neglect slashes to the face
Cuts and bruises, punched here and there
Black and blue from top to bottom
Being throwin, holes in the wall
He says im sorry, but does it again
I lay here silent bleeding to death
This time he's got me, where i cant see
Where i cant breath, I hear him laughing
He's just luaghing at me, As i lay here dieing
I ask him why, I stare at him looking in his eye's
I hope he can see what im going through for him
The pain i take just to be his
The knife cuts in me harder as i screech for my last breath
I tell him i'm sorry, That i couldnt be his
I plead to him askin please
Don't let me lay here and die for you're needs

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

1 posted 2008-09-04 12:18 PM

I'm on the fence about this one, but am going to push it to open forum regardless, as the discussions forums are for the purpose of discussion and poetry is more likely to be recognized in the forums specifically designated for poetry.

XoDenisseoX
Junior Member

since 2008-08-09

Posts 14

2 posted 2008-09-04 08:02 PM

wow this is a very intese poem, home violence is such a serious problem... but regardless... good job witht he writing you really get your message through. hm i was thinking though- i always read poems outloud to myself and maybe the line that says "look in his eye's" if you add the to like "look into his eyes" it flows a little better.... just a suggestion... keep it up!

Lady Ayla
Member

since 2008-07-19

Posts 84
WV, United States

3 posted 2008-09-04 08:27 PM

Hi! It's really passionate, but I'd like to point out some small spelling errors, if you choose to accept them.
eyes instead of eye's

and your instead of you're

TheAnonDavid
Member

since 2008-08-28

Posts 237
UK

4 posted 2008-09-05 05:21 AM

The intensity of this almost touchable.
As has been pointed oit the spelling errors stand out and spoil what is a readable piece of work.

Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Dylan Thomas

Robert E. Jordan
Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-25

Posts 8541
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

5 posted 2008-09-05 07:15 PM

Yo MexicanLover13,

Always capitalize your first person singular personal pronoun, no matter where it appears in a sentence.

i.e. I, I'm, I've, I'll etc.

Bobby

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