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Open Poetry #43
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" Empty" Jars ( Huan Ji's Fireflies )
| Open Poetry #43 |
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" Empty" Jars ( Huan Ji's Fireflies ) |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Where once was filled with wonder, I peer closely at a jar in youth it held in promise what was wished upon a star, the magic of an evening captured in a summer glade, and like most youthful secrets all too quickly prone to fade. Most see the jar as empty, but the opposite is true the children who look at it would be apt to look right through, as well the young whose memories are busy being formed, I look into it's center, down my cheek rolls something warm. Brushed off with some impatience, as a cynic would expect who's lived with disappointments, what this "empty" jar reflects is innocence gone missing and a magic been misplaced, as eyes that now peer at it look out from an older face determining what fills it, where imagination sparked, is cumulative sadness of those countless lights gone dark. [This message has been edited by Dr.Moose1 (09-05-2008 08:31 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2008 William E.Kleist - All Rights Reserved | |||
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viking_metal Senior Member
since 2007-02-02
Posts 1337In a Jeep, Minnesota. |
This is hard for me to read. The lines are clumsy and could use some "streamlining." I like the subject matter quite a bit..... -P |
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Marchmadness Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271So. El Monte, California |
I found this poem quite easy to read and like it just the way it is. The subject is sad but enchhanting and it is very well written. Ida |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
viking metal, Thanks for your critique. I realize this is rather wordy to say the least, lol, perhaps an understanding of the form would help. This is based on the 16th century "fourteener" (14 syllables in iambic heptameter) and the sonnet (three stanzas of four lines with an ending couplet). The pauses made by the puncuation may have interrupted the flow but I believe I'll let it stand as is. Thanks again, Doc Scratch that, on re-reading I see where the meter wanders and will re-edit. Done, and this is why I have my critque box checked, much appreciated. Doc [This message has been edited by Dr.Moose1 (09-04-2008 03:24 PM).] |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Ida, Different strokes. Thanks, I'M glad you liked it, it is indeed a very sad subject. Doc |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
You did good, Doc...very very good!  |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Sunshine, Thanks m'friend. Don't know how I missed the wandering meter the first time around, guess I just got caught up in it. Good thing viking was paying attention. Doc |
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TheAnonDavid Member
since 2008-08-28
Posts 237UK |
It's good to see old formats being revisited and used once more. Sorry for being nit picking but the iambic meter stumbles on line 5; the child who looks at it would be apt to look right through If I elide "would be" the line reads the CHILD who LOOKS at IT would be APT to LOOK right THROUGH or the CHILD who LOOKS at IT WOULD be APT to LOOK right THROUGH Either way an unstress or a stress iambic foot is missing. And - ultra nit picking - you need to drop one "s" in "dissapointments" ... ]disappointments] (line 10). Sorry but it's such a good work I would like to see it perfect  |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
William, I thought it fine, but then again I didn't see the first draft and I like inverting lines myself when writing a sonnet of many meters~~ I remember watching the fireflies when young. Lately, I don't stay outside late enough to see them. Enjoyed, M |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Anondavid, Thank you for your critique. You are correct, I tend to pronounce "child" with two syllables which is why I missed that, the double "esses" was pure oversight. I've edited both, and thanks again. Doc nakd, I've noticed their decline over the years and hope the trend is not permanent. Way too many young children need to see that spark of wonder, as do we in their faces. Thanks, Doc |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
I like it, moose. The idea behind it is excellent and the structure true to form. Not wanting to be too flowery in my reply (and also because I'm me), I need to point out only one thing that doesn't set that well with me. and as most youthful secrets all to quickly prone to fade. The "and as" is a tough combination for me and I also wonder if you are meaning "too quickly", instead of "to". It's the only sentence that gave me a problem with the rythym. Aside from that....it's aces.  |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Balladeer, Thanks for your input, "like" does seem to fit better and "to" was again, simple oversight. I am grateful for all the suggestions on this, the end result reads much more fluidly. I also think I'll be doing a little more proofing before posting, which never hurts. Doc |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
Apparently my late arrival served me well... for it reads beautifully! I've got a few jars filled with "what if"s, too - contents invisible to all but me. *S* Well done! |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
suthern, Thank you, I have yet to be able to put one in a jar for my grand children, but I believe their dad has.There are those who would probably find this cruel, to them I would say "how do you inspire your young? what do you show them to spark interest in the natural world around them?", or nothing at all, as most often those people are far distanced from me and I would have it no other way. Be well. Doc |
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