Atonement - feedback needed

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e-ReK
Junior Member

since 2007-07-20

Posts 15

0 posted 2008-02-14 07:12 PM

Atonement

With each struggling step my blood boils, bubbling
Mumbling under my breath
Saying “Damn the world!” I’m under in debt,
Pondering while crushing the image this puddle reflects.
Rats scatter and flee down the alley with me,
It’s raining in June, explaining the moon
is hiding or else it’s too cloudy to see…
That day was a lesson to me –
Regretting the reason I left you those keys
As you stepped in expecting affection from me,
But found on the ground a bottle of pills,
And my body unconscious, left in the sheets.
Angry, embarrassed, and sorry to live
I ignored the priest saying God will forgive,
Because uncertainly searching for a reason to breathe
It seems that to me – there is none! And if there is one,
Well… God isn’t it!
This conclusion brings me back to the first scene
Me cursing, at God in the sky, pondering why –
Why did you save me when I wanted to die!?
Such a desperate life…
These street lamps couldn’t revamp my quest for the light.
So I fought, what I thought was an effortless fight:
To make amends and tie the ends that only death could unite…
Was I taking… or saving my life? I daydream at night
Of the pains that I’ve gained in my plight.
Wondering if, when our purpose is… purposeless
And we lose our aim then… ain’t it all right?
The life that I failed to take has given my mind wisdom,
For as long as time’s ticking…
I’ll be searching for the reason that I’m missing.
And as long as I’m lonely at night,
I know that it’s crazy, but to the lady that saved me,
I hope you would die…
But at the same time I owe you my life.

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

1 posted 2008-02-16 11:38 PM

Hi

Welcome to PiP. I am not one to offer much constructive thoughts, but you might want to post this over on the Critical Analysis board.

Here's the link:
/main/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Critical+Analysis+|NMB|2&number=28&type=m

Good luck to you.

Alison

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

2 posted 2008-02-16 11:39 PM

Whoops! Guess you did that .. hope you get the help you are looking for over there.

A

LynnFromCT
Member

since 2008-02-18

Posts 53
CT, USA

3 posted 2008-02-19 10:39 PM

I usually find that long poems make me give up, but I kept on reading. And found some things in your words that reminded me of me.

I too have at times tried to give up, only to have some person claim that it was their duty to save me from myself. I guess that while I sometimes wish they left me to rot, I wouldn't be here writing and living this life.

So I guess I agree with you. I thank them for my life.

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