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Open Poetry #42
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Felix and The Kid In The Drum
| Open Poetry #42 |
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Felix and The Kid In The Drum |
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 
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Felix’s foster Dad was a big man, and super strong. The little kid was small— perhaps seven or eight. He was a stray kid, an extra from somewhere, down the road. The foster Dad had this big fifty-five gallon steel drum that smelled of old motor oil. The foster Dad picked the kid up by the scruff of the neck, put him in the drum, and sealed it shut. All Felix could hear was the noise of the child, screaming, and beating on the sides of the drum. Felix had to laugh, if he didn’t, something bad could happen to Felix. Felix was small too. When the foster Dad finally opened the drum, the kid ran away to somewhere, as fast as he could. That’s just the way it was. Bobby |
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| © Copyright 2008 Robert E. Jordan - All Rights Reserved | |||
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gilead Senior Member
since 2008-03-10
Posts 1067nevada, USA |
I, too, have known horror, but not at the hands of someone who loved me. This is dark, disturbing, and true to life in so many of its tragic ways. Art |
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Marchmadness Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271So. El Monte, California |
I know you don't believe in karma, Bobby but I do and I'm glad I'm not your foster father. Ida |
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Thanks Art, If you have a foster father who loves you, then you are a lucky person indeed. I've heard that good foster fathers do exist--God bless them. Bobby |
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Thanks Ida, No, I don't believe in Karma. I do believe in hell however, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone, not even my foster father. Thanks for your kind, and loving words on this poem. Love Bobby |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Bobby, Don't know what's happening here; you're usually a bit tighter before you post, but this is pretty raw stuff and very moving. The little kid was small— If you're going to tell us the kid was "small" at the end of the line and "perhaps seven or eight" in the next line, calling him "little" seems distracting overkill. For me it caused a minute of bewilderment. The comma at the end of "an extra from somewhere," throws special extra emphasis on that line break and I think accidently flips the following line, "down the road" into a level of importance you probably don't intend. If you took the comma out, I think the line would work better. I don't see any pressing grammatical need for the comma. It serves mostly to confuse. The foster Dad had this big fifty-five gallon steel drum that smelled of old motor oil. My thinking here is that one 55 gallon drum is pretty much the same size as another, so calling this one "big" doesn't particularly move the poem along. The cut off point that I was taught between spelling numbers out and using the numbers themselves was ten. After that came 11. I suppose everybody has a different system and I haven't gotten anal enough to check it out further, only anal enough to mention it here. Since you have a bit of a run-on sentence in the next stanza, it might give you some interesting rhythmic variation to end-stop line four of this stanza after drum. Then try "It smelled of/ old motor oil." Might work, might not, mostly it depends on your ear, doesn't it? The foster Dad picked the kid up If you say "picked up the kid" instead it gives the line a more self contained feel. Technically, I suppose it changes the lines from two trochees to two iambs. More usefully, it gets rid of a weak ending. You don't have to follow the scansion business to hear it when you read it out loud. It may not matter to your ear, though. by the scruff of the neck, Maybe "his neck," because it makes the insult of the action that much more immediate. If that's your interest. put him in the drum, and sealed it shut. All Felix could hear was the noise of the child, screaming, and beating on the sides of the drum. I like this, but I've wondered how something like this would work for you: All Felix could hear Was the screaming, The noise of the child Beating on the sides Of the drum. Does this change anything in the way the stanza comes across for you? Felix had to laugh, if he didn’t, something bad could happen to Felix. Felix was small too. When the foster Dad finally opened the drum, the kid ran away to somewhere, What do you think of "back to somewhere," since you've already established that's where he came from in the first place. And this suggests that "somewhere" might have been an improvement. It certainly seemed to be for this kid, didn't it? as fast as he could. That’s just the way it was. You certainly are a good writer, Bobby, though it seems hard to tell you so in a way that soaks in. I'll keep trying the best ways I can. All my best, BobK |
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Yo BobK, Thanks for your insightful comments and suggestions. I'll take them into consideration. Bobby |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Consideration's fine with me, Bobby. As would be outright dismissal. It's a good poem. |
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Joyce Johnson
since 2001-03-10
Posts 9912Washington State |
I was taught that numbers are always written out in poetry or formal writing. it would cheapen your lines to write 55. Joyce |
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Larrysmom Senior Member
since 2008-04-03
Posts 533Florida, USA |
Bobby, did he ever truly feel sorry for the things he did? I have a mean streak in me when it comes to people who can be so damn hateful and cruel to kids… I sort of want to crawl down to their level and spoon them some of their own medicine... I hope he’s getting a good damn dose of it in hell! I’m happy Felix and Sally did finally find and receive some of the happiness that life can bring and give. I hope they were still pretty young when they found it… Tammy<333 |
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Joyce and BobK, Thank you both for your help on this. Felix is me in this. The main thing is that I could never forgive what the big guy did to that little kid. He pulled similar tricks on me. I loved him, and he was generally a good man, just a little brutal. He just had a mean streak as far as a sense of humor goes. Bobby |
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steavenr Member Elite
since 2003-11-17
Posts 4058 |
Since I always read the comments to the poem after I read the poem, I was, at first, tempted to reply to one of the comments...but that would have been moving away from your amazing, powerful write and its importance. I like it just like you wrote it. I can find in each structure of your write meaning...and that is what makes good poetry worth reading. While the subject matter was chilling, your expression of it was compelling. |
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Joyce Johnson
since 2001-03-10
Posts 9912Washington State |
You are a very forgiving person if you could forgive this man. Joyce |
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Tammy, No, he never felt sorry for the things he did. He was my uncle, and very much like a father to me. He just didn't know any better. He did it all in good humor. He had a strange sense of humor. Believe it or not, he was deeply loved by all the kids he came in contact with. Even the little kid in the drum. Thinking about it now, I don't know how he pulled that off. BTW, I'm sure he's in heaven. Bobby |
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Thanks Steavenr, I'm pleased the poem worked for you. Bobby |
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Joyce, His behavior was expected. We were rough people. Bobby |
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Larrysmom Senior Member
since 2008-04-03
Posts 533Florida, USA |
Well, you’re an excellent writer then Bobby. Cause you make him sound so damn evil! Like he did all these horrible things because he enjoyed inflicting pain on the kids he was supposed to be taking care of. Tammy<333 |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
I read in one of your replies that Felix is you, in this write. My goodness, your foster father certainly had a brutish sense of humour! I have always had strong emotions rise to the surface whenever I read a poem of yours on the experiences and the plights of "Felix". They are very powerful in their impact on your readers.  Linda |
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Tammy and Linda, The foster Dad was popular with the kids in the hood because of his generosity. His door was always open, and if any kid wanted a bottle of soda, all they had to do was go to his fridge, and take a bottle. He was very much the big happy brute. Like I say, I loved him. Bobby |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
It's sad to see people you love tormented in such a way; and not even knowing that they're doing wrong. Numbness is sometimes the worst kind of pain. |
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Thanks Bob K, You are correct. Numbness is a good name for it. People are many times so influenced by their environment, that they lose all sense of decency. They are blind to their own failing. It happens all the time, all over the place. Bobby [This message has been edited by Robert E. Jordan (04-23-2008 10:50 PM).] |
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Larrysmom Senior Member
since 2008-04-03
Posts 533Florida, USA |
Well, if you loved him, then he's OK by me!!!  Tammy<333 |
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Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Thanks Tammy, It was amazing, all the kids loved him. I think he gave the idea, that even a grown man could be free and wild. They wished to emulate him. Bobby |
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