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Open Poetry #41
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Happy Ever After ?
| Open Poetry #41 |
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Happy Ever After ? |
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effjayel Senior Member
since 2007-09-30
Posts 1474At the Crossroads of Infinity 
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I’m learning how to lie About the way I feel Trying not to cry Saying it's no Big deal Wishing I could die Wounds that never heal Constantly wondering why I am being fed this spiel Surrounded by a pit Ever deepening by the hour Having to admit Life is turning sour No spirit left to hit Just cover up and cower Hearing what you think sounds good Instead of what you mean Forever being misunderstood Accused of being over keen Can’t stand the sight of blood? Then close your eyes and just Do as you surely must, And turn off my happy ending machine….. |
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| © Copyright 2008 John Lawrence - All Rights Reserved | |||
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Just made you happy now you are sad again. Beautiful poem and rhymed well at first half.  |
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effjayel Senior Member
since 2007-09-30
Posts 1474At the Crossroads of Infinity |
Tom, every time you reply you make me smile & happy just like now...I am not sad often nor happy all the time.I like being sad only because it lets me reach inside & pull things out into the open that would otherwise stay hidden.hope that makes sense? BTW...Con molto amore e' affetto? Ciao Giovanni |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Sempre con il mio augurio. e non sono forma che paese. Ma faccio ad alcuni formarlo amici anziani. L'OH sono tutti i giovani molto affascinanti. http://www1.worldlingo.com/en/products_services/worldlingo_translator.html I typed in "Always wish you best I am not from that country but I do have some old friends there and they were all very charming young men. " |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
And I do believe that people shall not hide sad feelings....not good to health. |
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Marchmadness Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 9271So. El Monte, California |
Sometimes poetry is a good way of gettting out the sadness and moving on. Ida |
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A Romantic Heart Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-03
Posts 5496Forever In Your Heart |
John... liked the happy ending machine part... very witty.. ~ARH You know you're in love, when you can't fall asleep,because reality is finally better than your dream~Dr.Seuss |
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Roniece Dawson-Bruce Member Ascendant
since 2000-01-29
Posts 5689Sydney, Australia |
John... to be sad sometimes is ok, but to be happy most of the time is best I enjoyed this piece of yours.. love RDB Keep smiling ok! Be kind at heart....for everyone you meet has their own battle to fight......... |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
good poem I love the rhyme scheme and the theme sadness expressed very well |
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vandana
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463USA |
good read |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear effjayel, Anybody who can wire "spiel" into a poem is good for me; it shows a willingness to speak straightforward English and to be willing to put everyday words to work. The poem, if you actually look at it and pay attention to it, and heaven help us but we usually don't, is about itself and your particular poetic process. In this case, that process may mirror your life, I don't know, but you have in the world of the poem something very specific you can take charge of and work with. You are, I suspect, lying about the way you feel, to yourself and to your audience, and you say so. Your poem is too smart for you. It knows you better than that and it's trying to tell you the truth in return. Like all of us, you really aren't all that interested in hearing from parts of yourself that you're trying to give voice to when you come under great personal pressure. Can't blame you. Same here. If the poem is right, it takes a situation where you feel your life is at risk (your ego?, your actual life? Your sense of yourself?) before you are willing to look at the notion of who and what you are. You try to place the blame outside yourself, but that solution doesn't seem to work well anymore. You're [h]aving to admit/Life is turning sour. There's still a lot of back and forth going on here about where the responsibility lies for actually talking about what's going on with you, about what this poem or future poems want to deal with. Wonderful metaphor here, "Can't stand the sight of blood?" can be read so many ways, don't you think? The way I read it (in terms of one writer trying to help another writer write poems) is that the actual poem you're reaching for here is not going to let you off easily, with platitudes and cliches. You're actually going to have to talk about stuff in detail. I'm not saying you have to confess to anying, I don't need to know what you did with mom's special cookie recipe twenty years ago, or what you and you friend said to each other in a pub in Chiswick. What I do need to know is something of the emotional equivalent with sensory detail enough to please, not me, but your poem itself. At this point I'd try especially for vivid visual details. Those alone should make a considerable difference for you. Again, there's a great deal of ambiguity in the third to last and second to last lines, but the reading that I see from the poem about itself and about your writing process is pretty straightforward. No substitute for actually writing the right poem, is there? Well, actually, yes, there is. And you take it in the last line. Glad as I am that you've turned off your happy ending machine, you've stopped exactly short of the poem you're bursting to write. Right on the brink. Quivering on the edge. Has this happened to you before? If you can accept this critique in the spirit in which it's offered—helpful, in case I hadn't been clear—I'd like to take one additional step and offer a piece of advice. Don't change a thing about what you're doing. Keep on doing it. Occasionally, however, look back on an old poem or one what you've just finished (never while you're writing one) and ask yourself if the poem wants anything from you or if it's trying to tell you something about itself. Write THAT poem. Or not, as you like. Frequently THAT is the poem that you've been writing the introduction for in the previous poem. Or not. But it's an additional strategy to use, and additional arrow in your quiver. You take good risks, effjayel; use them to help you break out of this straitjacket your poem's describing. Best wishes, BobK. |
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