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Open Poetry #41
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"Yesterday"
| Open Poetry #41 |
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"Yesterday" |
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Arius Miura de Galdri Member
since 2007-07-04
Posts 90Michigan, USA 
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"Yesterday" Memories have caught me in their grasp And I don't have the strength to pull away How will I ever make it through tomorrow? While I cling so blindly, still, to yesterday? The say to me "Move on, don't waste your life" How can I, when I surely wasted hers? The beg of me "Don't carry on this way" So burdened with this sorrow, like a curse Her fragile life was taken far too soon Stolen, by my own hand some would say But they can't know the pain that I've endure While staggering and lost in yesterday... AMdG "My candle burns at both ends; it will not last the night; but ah, my foes, and oh, my friends--it gives a lovely light!" -Edna St. Vincent Millay |
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| © Copyright 2007 Timothy Mitchal Nicholas - All Rights Reserved | |||
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ThisDiamond Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353Michigan, USA |
Powerful words. Only the deepest of feelings yield us so wide open to sorrow. You conveyed the emotions well. |
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Kahlil Senior Member
since 2003-04-12
Posts 1881 |
Trying to fight away from something that keeps following us around is a natural reaction that you've worded well here, emotively. |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Good piece of work with a few minor problems, and nice to see someone consciously working with meter. "How will I ever make it through tomorrow? While I cling so blindly, still, to yesterday?" This seems to be one sentence with no need of two question marks. The first can be eliminated, or replaced by a comma, or the line left unpunctuated. The say to me "Move on, don't waste your life" THEY say to me... How can I, when I surely wasted hers? There could be a reference for this. How did you surely waste her life? The beg of me "Don't carry on this way" THEY beg of me... So burdened with this sorrow, like a curse Her fragile life was taken far too soon (,) Stolen, by my own hand some would say (,) Again, a referential problem. Are some people saying you killed her? I'm not sure that's what you mean. But they can't know the pain that I've endure Tense problem. It's either "the pain I've endured,"or "The pain that I endure." While staggering and lost in yesterday... Just wondering why the ... Best, Jim |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Nice writing...James |
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Artic Wind Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080Realm of Supernatural |
enjoyed ARCTIC WIND |
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Arius Miura de Galdri Member
since 2007-07-04
Posts 90Michigan, USA |
Thank you for the comments, and I'll take everything to heart. The dual question marks at the beginning were a mistake, true, and I'll correct them next time. "The" instead of "They" in those two circumstances were typos (Don't know how I missed those!). The "endure" instead of "endured" at the end was simply a typo (I forgot the "d"!). Once again, thanks for the advice. AMdG |
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