»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #41
»
The Fear of Not Fearing
| Open Poetry #41 |
|
The Fear of Not Fearing |
|
|
OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa 
|
THE FEAR OF NOT FEARING 16 September 2007 Once I walked my midnight forest wrapped in awe of delicious solitude and ghostly fever trees amongst dark shapes outlining moonlit patches and breathed the honeyed scent of yellow puff-balls or milk-white, miniature propeller flowers, and once inside, I would read my favourite poetry or work in silent ecstasy into the entrails of the night surrounded by my four-legged children while my now-grown two-legged ones breathed peacefully through their childhood dreams, but now I barricade myself and my cat and dog in my bedroom after dark and put on the burglar alarm and the most I can do is watch television (sometimes with the sound on) and start at every misinterpreted sound of the thud or metallic ring of fence-jumpers or cracking branches or breaking glass or the screeching alarm and stare into the blackened night in ramrod terror through my now-imprisoned forest, for men carrying packets in the dark or shiny dark cars that creep unlit and stealthily through the sleeping streets until, against my will, I lapse into unconsciousness from sheer exhaustion (with one finger on my panic button round my neck, however). At the lightening of the Heavens I thank my God for saving us all another night. Sometimes I am not so afraid and sometimes not at all, but I am afraid of not being afraid as they burst into my bedroom (twice) when I wasn’t afraid at all. I wish I knew the minds of (general and specific) burglars for then I could relax until the next predictable attack. I would rather be afraid than have reason to be afraid, but where will it end? Being a self-confessed workaholic, I need to work at night but I can’t risk losing another laptop, camera, or cell phone or any windows so tonight will find me losing another night’s work and on guard again. - Owl |
||
| © Copyright 2007 Diana van den Berg - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Diana, I am so pleased to see you posting again, however, this one breaks my heart. Words cannot express the compassion and concern that I have for you. It's no wonder that you are having such a difficult time of it, having been burglarized twice! I can only imagine the terror of all that you are experiencing ~ mind you, this gripping, solar plexus grabbing post certainly gave me some insight into what your world has become. "surrounded by my four-legged children" ~ I like how you put that.  Sending my love and lots of protective and calming Light, Linda  |
||
|
Bobby Jordan Member
since 2007-08-13
Posts 491Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Owl, I'd do something about that too long first strophe. This makes me glad I don't have anything worth stealing. Bobby |
||
|
secondhanddreampoet Member Ascendant
since 2006-11-07
Posts 6394a 'Universalist' ! |
Obviously, a very ‘real’, powerfully emotive ‘write’! Grand-fine imagery!: “midnight forest wrapped in awe of delicious solitude”; AND the: “ghostly fever trees amongst dark shapes outlining moonlit patches… … the honeyed scent of yellow puff-balls or milk-white, miniature propeller flowers” Applause!! |
||
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Get some peacocks...they are the best guard dogs if you can tolerate their noises and grandiose behaviors. Have you ever been charged by a territorial peacock protecting his peahen? LOL, I've had that distinct pleasure, but still would not hesitate to admire one up close, though preferably behind the security of a screen or fence. By the way, this is a powerful write! |
||
|
Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Dear Diana...I am so glad to see you here! I've wondered how you are, but knew that your internet connection was limited. I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties that are so obvious and fearful in this poem. The imagery was so well done that it made me afaraid for you, also. As far as peecocks go....yes they are fierce, but unfortunately, they sleep at night high up in trees. Please know that I do and have had you in my thoughts.  |
||
|
The Lady Member Rara Avis
since 2005-12-26
Posts 7634The Southwest |
hello Diana! you have been in my thoughts too... you and your fur children... your poem is well done but oh how it hurts the heart to know you live in fear, dear friend |
||
|
Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
Dear (((((Diana))))), I felt your "stato d'animo" in this impressive piece. I went through this fear too, I know what you speak about. I was able to get out of this tunnel of fear. Fear attracts what we fear, so we must really try to get rid of it. Enjoyed your beautiful memories of fearless times! Love and hugs. Margherita  |
||
|
Honeybunch Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-29
Posts 7115South Africa |
Diana - good to see you here again. You speak for a lot of South Africans, myself included, but I'm so sorry to hear of the effect it's obviously having on you. If you stop "living" or "working" as you say, then they've won. Don't let them win! Easy to say, I know. |
||
|
serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Oh hon... "I am afraid of not being afraid" nodding sending you love and prayers... such fine lines you pen to denote the fine lines of the necessity of being aware--and I might add, the fear that fear might cross a line in our mind to paranoia. Oh I understand, dear friend. I wish I could keep you safe, or at least stand watch so you might rest better. Welcome home, lovie. |
||
|
OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
Linda, thanks so much for your compassionate reply. Actually I have had far more burglaries than 2, but only 2 since August 2005 when I put up palisade fencing and an electric gate and made my garage door electric and put up sensor lights to come on if anyone approached the house. Since the second-last invasion of my bedroom, I have increased the security with a light that lights up the whole of my front garden the whole night and had the light on the verandah fixed - that is also on the whole night, and since the last invasion, I have had strong burglar guards put up on almost all my windows, so I should actually be feeling a lot more secure than I do. However, there was another attempt late on Wednesday afternoon, but I foiled the attempt, but was extra nervous that night. Thanks for the love and protective and calming Light. It is working. Thanks, Bobby Jordan for the advice. However, that was the effect I wanted. I actually also don't have anything worth stealing (except my laptop, camera and cheap cell phone) and would love to put up a notice (without what is in brackets) outside my house for the information of burglars who haven't broken in yet! Thank you secondhanddreampoet. I would like to get back to enjoying all of that without the fear, but . . . Kacy, lovely idea. I certainly would more than tolerate their noise and behaviour - and peacocks (along with all non-human creatures) I am not afraid of (or am too stupid to be afraid of?), but unfortunately I am struggling to buy loaves of bread, let alone peacocks and whatever food they eat and veterinary care they need. Hee hee! Glad you enjoyed the poem. Thanks, Martie. Now it is time rather than internet costs (see reply to Karen)that is my problem with being here - or even writing even the odd poem. I miss you all and the wonderful poetry so very much. If peacocks sleep high in trees at night, I have plenty for them to choose from, so perhaps I should try another idea for protection at night! Thanks, Kate. Yes, I miss the time to write to you and others and to get news from you about your fur friends too. Thanks for the kind thoughts. Thanks Margherita. I hear what you say about fear attracting fear, and I agree with you, but, like the title, under the circumstances, currently what I am most afraid of is not being afraid. Thanks for your kindness. Thanks Helen. I am sorry that you also feel this way. I hear what you say too and I want to get over this and know that I can, but that seems to be when they strike! Lovely to see you too, Karen. Thank for your wonderful warm welcome back. Actually now I have ADSL and so the cost is no longer the issue because I can now be online as long as I like at the same cost. However, to try to save myself from drowning financially (as the real estate market is at an all time low), since about April, I have been doing 2 jobs (various temp jobs during normal working hours and then my usual real estate agent job from 4.30pm until whenever) so I can only get on to my laptop at the weekend – seeing that I don’t dare use the laptop at night. Since 9 July I have had an every-day-temp job for the Legal Services Directorate of the Department of Education (which finishes next Friday), and for the month of September that has been in Pietermaritzburg (90 kms away on a very busy freeway with roadworks on it). Fortunately I have been traveling in a government vehicle along with colleagues, so it hasn’t been at my cost, but it has been exhausting especially as I have had to get up very early to be at the meeting point on time and it has disrupted my morning routine. I went into PIP and read all my lovely replies this morning, and was dying to reply and read a few other poems, but I had to work out what I could pay and to whom (and all the stress and tears that go along with that) (I get paid weekly by the temp agency – my choice) and then rush off to the bank and effect the said payments and fax proof to what seems like the world, but isn’t. When I got back, I rushed for the laptop, but struggled for a long time to get a connection (ADSL is more volatile, unfortunately), and now it isn't long before it will be dark. Thank you for your understanding. I plan to get free of this, once I have dealt with my money problems. Both seem impossible to overcome right now, but I will keep on trying. I am hoping to get more temp jobs (preferably a long one) soon, but if I don't I will be able to get in here more often, but although that will be great, I desperately need a good job at the rate I have been paid at since 9 July so that I can at least keep abreast of my arrears, and that is highly unlikely. I need several sales to be able to start paying current accounts, but even one sale seems highly unlikely at the moment. The market is dead and from all predictions it will be another year before it recovers. Sellers can stop selling and buyers can stop buying, but what do we poor estate agents do in the meantime? Hold thumbs for me that I get a well-paid long-term temp job soon. - Owl |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
