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Open Poetry #40

The Sun's Clothes

EagleScorpion
Senior Member

since 2000-03-08

Posts 1644
Here, Now, Forever

0 posted 2007-03-19 09:44 PM

The sky was grey when the sun went down
Not the heart- warming spectacle that yesterday evening was
It didn't turn the entire lake and sky red and orange
It didn't make me rush out the back door to the dock with my camera
to capture it before it's peak beauty was lost forever.
Instead, the sun hid behind her satin veil, unwilling to present herself in all of her naked glory.
Oh well.
Heading west tomorrow morning, going where I-40 takes me
Not stopping 'till I see the ocean, bound to see the sun again
Maybe she'll decide to make the sky pretty
Maybe the mountaintops will kiss her rays of light
Maybe her cloudy garments will be more colorful than ever before
as they slowly slip away

iliana
Member Patricius

since 2003-12-05

Posts 13434
USA

1 posted 2007-03-20 01:47 AM

Captured my imagination. Thank you for that.

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

2 posted 2007-03-20 03:08 PM

outstanding

Aurelian
Member

since 2007-03-20

Posts 109
TX, USA

3 posted 2007-03-20 06:17 PM

"heart-warming" is a bit of a cliche and the length of the second line breaks up the natural flow of language a bit. Maybe you could trim the other lines down a bit to make them more concise as well. - I liked it.

EagleScorpion
Senior Member

since 2000-03-08

Posts 1644
Here, Now, Forever

4 posted 2007-03-24 05:06 PM

im flattered to be one of the first people you read on here. welcome to passions! thank you for the constructive critique. we need more of that around here..

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