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jak
Member

since 2007-03-14

Posts 85
Charlotte, NC

0 posted 2007-03-17 10:39 PM

I thought this would be a good place to post some of my work that is "in progress". Here is one I wrote since the new year but it didn't really feel finished. Not sure what direction to go next.

Standing on your future
Afraid to step away
Drifting from believers
Toward men ready to stray

My words, they do not waver
They root deep towards death
My heart does me a favor
Lifting truth within each breath

Cry now for the weakest
Of the worlds
Within your path

Weep for those who waver
Bending sorrow
Southward fast

Christen those with faith
In a pain
That brings fast light

Listen to the bravest
Of the souls
Within your sight

Jak
Argonaut - My Poetry Blog

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

1 posted 2007-03-18 08:42 AM

WELCOME TO PASSIONS!
Very profound entrance post.
I look forward as will others to seeing more of your work.
~Smiles & Hugs, Nancy~

~ Time has cast a spell on you,
So you won't ever forget me. ~

jak
Member

since 2007-03-14

Posts 85
Charlotte, NC

2 posted 2007-03-18 08:54 AM

Thanks Nancy

scorpio
Member Ascendant

since 2002-10-02

Posts 5178
right...there

3 posted 2007-03-18 08:57 AM

Welcome to Passions in Poetry Jak. A most profound poem. Well done!!

believe in what your heart feels...

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

4 posted 2007-03-18 09:12 AM

Dear Jak,

Welcome to Passions! Please, check
your email for a Very Special Greeting!

" It matters not this distance now " Excerpt, Yesterday's Love
~*~
KRJ

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

5 posted 2007-03-18 09:38 AM

Jason~
Welcome to Passions ... enjoyed a peek at your blog site~

*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~
Email - noles1@totcon.com

Janette

Member Elite

since 2001-07-20

Posts 2843
Chicagoland for now

6 posted 2007-03-18 09:47 AM

"Drifting from believers
Toward men ready to stray"

I like the intensity in this thought provoking piece.

Welcome to Passions. I look forward to more offerings of your work.

always seeking joy, adventure and romance and wishing you find the same

Goodknight
Member Elite

since 2002-06-15

Posts 2386
Ohio, USA

7 posted 2007-03-18 10:09 AM

Welcome - you write well - Paul

Beasley
Senior Member

since 2003-11-28

Posts 682
Cheboygan,MI USA

8 posted 2007-03-18 10:20 AM

Welcome, Jak. Your writing is sensitive and compassionate. I'm glad you are sharing with us and hope to read more.
Barb

jak
Member

since 2007-03-14

Posts 85
Charlotte, NC

9 posted 2007-03-18 10:40 AM

Thanks again for all the kind words. I like the e-card feature, pretty slick.

Martie

Moderator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-09-21

Posts 28049
California

10 posted 2007-03-18 10:47 AM

Welcome to Passions, Jak...I hope to see more of your writing posted here.

jak
Member

since 2007-03-14

Posts 85
Charlotte, NC

11 posted 2007-03-18 11:57 AM

Merci beau coup.

Have I explored this piece fully, does it feel finished, is there closure?

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

12 posted 2007-03-18 01:18 PM

"Cry now for the weakest
Of the worlds
Within your path

Weep for those who waver
Bending sorrow
Southward fast

Christen those with faith
In a pain
That brings fast light

Listen to the bravest
Of the souls
Within your sight"

Jak, I do believe this part of the piece
does bring closure.
I'm not that great on critiquing a poem.
We do have a forum called~Critical Analysis
Found here- /main/forumdisplay.cgi?number=28
This is the only way you can cross post...
and that is Critical Analysis and one other Forum.
If you would also like to place this piece there too, please do so.
You wmay get a better idea of how others feel.

Okay?
Hugs~Nancy

~ Time has cast a spell on you,
So you won't ever forget me. ~

jak
Member

since 2007-03-14

Posts 85
Charlotte, NC

13 posted 2007-03-18 01:23 PM

thanks very much for the help nancy.

Trillium

Member Patricius

since 2001-03-09

Posts 12098
Idaho, USA

14 posted 2007-03-18 06:47 PM

jak: Very intriguing poem! Welcome to PIP and hope you will really enjoy your time here.

Betty Lou

Betty Lou Hebert

1slick_lady
Member Ascendant

since 2000-12-22

Posts 6088
standing on a shadow's lace

15 posted 2007-03-18 08:19 PM

welcome to
our passion

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