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Open Poetry #40
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Vigil
| Open Poetry #40 |
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Vigil |
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Burgundy New Member
since 2007-02-20
Posts 3 |
Hey, heres another poem from me, hope its any good XD. Other people have told me theres some problems with the flow, hope that doesnt hurt it too much... Vigil My feet on the cold ground A night with no sound Nothing good comes from this place A place without a saving grace My eyes watch by the moonlight A world devoid of white This feeling inside of my soul Is what makes me truly whole The night blots it out Everything, beyond all doubt Nothing good comes from this place A place perfect for a disgrace The night beckons As I count the seconds But it can’t sway my resolve Upon which all hope revolve I stand alone out here Discarding my fear Because nothing good comes from this place A place for the Dark to embrace But it’s not the Dark at which I stare But what lies beyond the cold air Lingering, waiting for its chance To end this black romance And so the Dark is my ally My trusted companion upon which I rely For nothing good comes from this place A place which we both embrace We stand our vigil with no remark Just me and the Dark To each we leave our own device In our bid for Paradise |
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| © Copyright 2007 Merlin A. Fabian - All Rights Reserved | |||
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
it flowed well for me |
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steavenr Member Elite
since 2003-11-17
Posts 4058 |
I agree with Dixie, flowed well enough for me as well...and if I may pontificate, the most important flow is from your heart, but here's a little bit of advice (and you are free to take it or leave it)...if you feel you are having difficulty 'making it flow', simply place your hand over your heart, feel the cadence of your heart beat, and follow its lead onto the paper... |
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aziza Member Elite
since 2006-07-09
Posts 2995Lumpy Oatmeal makes me Crazy! |
Burgundy, I agree with the others. I found the flow to be fine. I read it out loud -- maybe the person who told you that there was a flow problem didn't give the pauses needed ... who knows, we all have our opinions. My opinion is this is really good. I enjoyed reading it and loved the flow as I savored each word you wrote. Please, share more. A |
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iliana Member Patricius
since 2003-12-05
Posts 13434USA |
Don't think I have read any of your poems before. Welcome to PIP! I get the feeling you are headed toward free verse rather than trying to force this into a structure; the meter is not too consistent...the poem has a lot of potential though, I think. Thanks for sharing. |
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Roniece Dawson-Bruce Member Ascendant
since 2000-01-29
Posts 5689Sydney, Australia |
Well done! and it flowed well to me  RDB Be kind at heart....for everyone you meet has their own battle to fight......... |
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