»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #8
»
Nothing Lasts Forever
| Teen Poetry #8 |
|
Nothing Lasts Forever |
|
|
Gravymoose New Member
since 2006-12-24
Posts 4 |
It's a little long, but I needed to get it out of my system. I'm sure many of you know what I mean. Any criticism is welcome. Especially if you have a better title for this. =). Hope you enjoy. "Nothing Lasts Forever" Standing on this beach, Our troubles go away. Hurt, pain, and worries Will no longer stay. Our fears melt away Into the rising tide. We have entered Eden, Bliss can no longer hide. The bond that we share Burns hotter than the sun. We could embrace each other Until kingdom come. But nothing lasts forever, A precedent we can trust. The sand and sea were silenced, And Eden turned to dust. That which we avoided Returned all the more. More hurt, more pain, more worries Than there ever was before. You almost lose hope When dealing with the stress. You deserve Utopia, But fate dealt you a mess. Increasing with each passing hour Your burden pulls you down. What once smiled at all the world Has now become a frown. But nothing lasts forever, A precedent we can't fight. Behind the darkest shadow, Lies the brightest light. You gaze into my eyes, With a look that all is lost. I want to take it all away, No matter what the cost. Some things can't be helped. A lesson we both must learn The bad comes with the good, But we hope good returns. Optimism is our new goal And trust in everything. We can pass every trial, No matter what Fate may bring. Nothing lasts forever, A precedent to some. But there is a stronger precedent: Love will overcome. |
||
| © Copyright 2007 Hokey Pokey - All Rights Reserved | |||
SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
ummm ok, I love this...  the title is great btw... and? It's not too long. |
||
|
Jenna Member
since 2007-03-20
Posts 180 |
Wow...That is all I have to say. |
||
hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
yah i agree wow, definatley amazing and it was a perfect length hunnie  ~fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me~ |
||
|
shannonbaker Junior Member
since 2007-03-23
Posts 12 |
This was really good, I liked it a lot. |
||
|
rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Optimism is our new goal And trust in everything. We can pass every trial, No matter what Fate may bring. Get rid of that it didn't flow right. but the rest was very good. i cannot pick a favorite stanza because I liked it all. i loved your usage of eden and the descriptiveness. It was a good length. |
||
|
pencil&paper Member
since 2006-09-09
Posts 76asleep somewhere in my head |
i agree WOW it's great and don't worry about how long is as long as it says what you wanted it to  my favorite part was We can pass every trial, No matter what Fate may bring. Nothing lasts forever, A precedent to some. But there is a stronger precedent: Love will overcome. "Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music."~Angela Monet |
||
|
Free_Spirit07 Member
since 2006-01-29
Posts 222The middle of my mind! |
Hey, I liked this mucho! I just picked something small, and it still sounds fine but yeah. I guess some people on piptalk just say WOW great, but give no helpers out. And piptalk is about that, so here is something I thought clashed!! Standing on this beach, Our troubles go away. Hurt, pain, and worries Will no longer stay. Our fears melt away Into the rising tide. We have entered Eden, Bliss can no longer hide. I think the line 'are troubles go away' and the first line in the second stanza 'our fears melt away' when I read it the two 'aways' that you had sorta clashed, maybe you could change one of the aways to something else. I'm not too sure if that made any sense but hey  ) Just trying to help you out. Good job- Thena x0x0 |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
